i want a ticket to anywhere

2003-08-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

2003-06-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

¡Ay, Chico! Why don’t you write more? Dime quien eres. Estuve un poco triste cuando I couldn’t contact you. El sangre de mi corazón está en sus manos; ¡ayi!, tu no quieres ese. Me pienso eres tonto. Recuerda: dykes bite; wear cuidado on your sleeve.

2003-05-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

"I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow."

2003-05-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

Why cannot I get it right?

2003-05-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

In walked your memory
And swallowed my soul
I turned to run away, but
There was no solace to which I could go
I can't escape your face
I can't escape my mind
I can't escape your memory
Vision, leave me alone
Let my heart be blind

Back came the fear
I felt when with you
But also the innocence
That, from me, you took all too soon
It lingers in that place
A place I can't find
Except for in memories
Shivers, leave my bones
Let freedom be mine

2003-05-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

“For whom do you sing this dismal dirge,
In tones so long and low?
Whose death do you mourn?
Whose still heart has stopped your own?”

“My Emptiness died, and Friend, I urge
Your absence when you know
That though I'm torn, I do not mourn;
Her death has brought me hope.

“From sorrow it has flung my heart,
Into a deep despair,
Yet in this despair there is a light,
And sweet, sweet life hangs in the air.

“In this life I know not where to start.
This Freedom I cannot bear;
But She gives me strength and love and might.
For myself that’s beyond compare.

“My voice is lifting up the pain
And purging it through song.
The pain that Emptiness brought to me,
That made me feel so lost, so wrong.
.
“Never will I feel that again,
For Freedom makes me strong.
Her love holds me closely, powerfully.
It’s what I’ve needed all along.

“So Friend, you need to understand
That though this hymn is sad,
Without it I would cease to live,
And, in truth, it makes me glad.

“Freedom lent her loving hand
And laughing then began.
There is nothing more that She could give
Than that which makes me glad.

“I know not how Emptiness came to end,
Just that She had to go;
She’d forced me almost to the edge,
Where I lost my ability to cope.

“Emptiness is gone forever, my Friend,
And has left me here to grow.
Leave now in the knowledge
That Her death has brought me hope”

2003-05-04T22:50:00.000-07:00

I fell into your gentle love,
And your warm heart lifted me
Until together we could fly,
Laugh, love, and be free.
But in flying so high
There is a greater chance
To crash and burn,
And leave this dance
Of happiness and love.
So I close my eyes and hope and pray
That your arms will envelope me every day,
Until that day when together we rise
From this Heaven on Earth
To Heaven in the Sky.

2003-05-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

You showed me how to cry, but now I know not how to live.

2003-05-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

No te quiero,
Quiero tu salgame,
No te quiero,
Soy una mujer quien no sufres amor para tí.

No venga a mi corazon,
Tengo emociones frios.
Salga mi vida; soy la entera sin tu.
No me diga tienes amor,
Cuando hablaba, tu no estuvo oyendo.
Ahora, no quiero oír.

No te quiero,
Quiero salirte,
No te quiero,
Soy una mujer quien no puedes oír a tí.

Leave me here, small, alone,
Abandon your plastic pose.
Maybe I’m small, but I’m complete without you.
I don’t want you anymore.
I spoke, but what I said you do not know.
Listen: leave me here.

I don’t want you.
I’ll fly away.
I don’t love you.
I’ll fly to the edge, and if you follow, I’ll plunge to the sea.

No venga a mi corazon,
Tengo emociones frios.
Salga mi vida; soy la entera sin tu.
No me diga tienes amor,
Cuando hablaba, tu no estuvo oyendo.
Ahora, no quiero oír.

No te quiero.
I’ll fly away.
If you follow
Mires la terra, no estás volar despues mí.

Leave me here, small, alone,
Abandon your plastic pose.
Maybe I’m small, but I’m complete without you.
I don’t want you anymore.
I spoke, but what I said you do not know.
Listen: leave me here.

I don’t want you.
I’ll fly away.
I won’t miss you.
My heart left you long ago; don’t run after me.

No te quiero.
Quiero salirte.
I don’t love you.
Soy una mujer quien no sufres amor para tí.

My heart left you long ago; don’t run after me.

2003-04-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

This is what you said,
No, no. This is what I said,
But this isn't what I needed:

I said, "Baby,
You know I wish that I could love you."
I said, "Baby,
It's just that when I'm thinking of you I slide away...
And it's always when I know I need to fall..."

This is how I fell,
Though I don't really know how to tell you
What I need now,

I fell slowly;
I really thought that I could love you.
I fell screaming,
Because now I know that I can love you, but I love her too,
And I just don't know for whom to fall...

This is my last wish,
This is my final prayer,
Because I need you, there...

I implore you,
I knew not what I was doing.
Forgive me,
Because I know I left you crying; well, she cried too,
And I cried when I decided where to fall...

This is what you said,
No, no. This is what I said.
I know it's not what you needed...

2003-04-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

Love falls barely short of hatred,
And the hand I hold always wears a glove.
Perfection is always less than perfect,
And all I need is way too much,
For the greedy hands, they hunger stronger;
They reach out and grab what I can’t take.
“Just enough” is never satisfying.
Their deceptions cradle me in hate.

2003-04-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

and this is what she wrote:
[How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery
To love and be loved.
Let's just hope that is enough.]

i am so lost.
i am so confused
i am stuck in a haze

[And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground]

my life just exploded before my eyes.

[I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy.]

again.

[Time has taught me that all things come to a bitter end.
I try to fight it but it's no use
I must be insane]

my heart feels like it's being consumed by my lungs.

[A thousand voices erupt in chorus while you just stare. My pillow doesn't hold the same affect as your body would, and my hands don't fit anywhere else but with yours. And I hate you for this. And I love you for this. And I'm so lost.....]

there must be something wrong with me.

[Will my number come up eventually? Like Love is some kind of lottery,
where you can scratch and see what is underneath.
It's "Sorry",just one cherry, "Play Again." Get lucky.]

i don't know what to think.
what to feel.
what to do.
i don't know anything.

[...So I won't ever be happy again]

tears are blurring my vision
and it seems as if they never stop

[and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.]

blood clumps on my arm
stopping too soon.

[and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories]

and i can't fucking focus

[because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight]

i can't breathe

[i'm giving myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff]

i'm trapped under a mountain of mistakes

[i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening]

and i hate this.

[if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright]

i hate this so much.

[I think I had better find some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again]

2003-04-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

it's funny-
i know i'm not a strong person,
but i've never really felt this weak;
my body is hollow,
my mind is...
i don't know.
i don't really know anything anymore.
i feel as though any breath could shatter me,
as though any thought could kill me,
for i love you the most, and i have hurt you more than i have ever hurt anyone.
nothing makes sense right now,
in fact i'm not entirely sure if this is real.
it doesn't feel real.
i mean, how could it be?
i love you, you love me,
we were so happy... why couldn't i just fall?
if ever i could erase time, i would erase my life.
all the things through which i have suffered...
next to this they are nothing;
no pain, no sorrow,
no anguish has ever been so great as this,
and yet it was inevitable.
still, inevitable as it may have been i feel it was unforgivable.
you have never been anything short of wonderful, perfect, incredible...
you don't need this.
you don't deserve this.
no one ever does.
and it was the worst...
it shattered not only our intimacy,
but has weakened our friendship as well.
no matter how many times i say, "i love you,"
you will always remember, and i will always remember...
...that day...
why is it that we remember the things we wish to forget the most?
it is a terrible curse.
and so am i,
a curse upon you and your happiness because i am powerful in your life,
but weak in my own,
and foolish with both.
i hope that the scars will not be too deep.
i hope that what is tarnished will again be able to shine.
i hope that you will always know that you are the most important person in my life.
i love you.
i will always love,
but i know i don't deserve you.

2003-02-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

fuck.

2003-02-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

i'm slipping. i don't really know to where, or from where, or why. or how, or... anything really. usually i can tell where my spiral is heading, but this time i can't. and it's like a fucked up, incongruous, random, chaotic spiral. like a web. i'm weaving a web of chaos. i'm entangling myself in an even more stressful life than the one i currently cannot escape.

2003-02-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

"would you just shut up? it's depressing listening to you talk."
(thanks mom)

2003-02-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

i fell down the stairs twice today.

2003-02-10T23:08:00.000-08:00

oh god, too much blood. too much. way too much. all over.

2003-02-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

i have a date with a beautiful, talented, interesting girl. wow. and we're going to get coffee too... it's like... heaven.

2003-01-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

yes i know that my postshave consisted mainly of quizzes, but they relieve stress and i am very stressed.

2003-01-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

What box do you get put in?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla
see!?! i told you. no one believes me.

2003-01-24T05:08:00.000-08:00

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla
woah!

2003-01-24T05:04:00.000-08:00

What type of vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-24T04:58:00.000-08:00

What sexy girl are you
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-24T04:55:00.000-08:00

SEE WHAT INSOMNIA DOES TO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS ALMOST FIVE IN THE MORNING AND I HAVEN'T GONE TO BED!!!!!!!!

2003-01-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

What Self-Mutilation Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
muahha haha ha!

2003-01-24T04:47:00.000-08:00

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
the computer is eating my brain!!!! it knows too much!!! too much!!!!!!!

2003-01-24T04:43:00.000-08:00

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
this is insane! oh, wait.. i am.

2003-01-24T04:40:00.000-08:00

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
ok, maybe a little. *blushes*

2003-01-24T04:34:00.000-08:00

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
what do you know? this one's accurate too. what the fuck? sooo weird.

2003-01-24T04:32:00.000-08:00

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
and amazingly enough it's my favorite. wow.

2003-01-16T00:06:00.000-08:00

i am a zebra!!!!!

2003-01-15T23:50:00.000-08:00

gaah!!! my arm!!

2003-01-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly,
It's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, oh no
'Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go,
The sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might
Awake on the other side

'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, no no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

2003-01-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

i was sitting in my bed and i was feeling so horribly sad that i wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up. i didn't want to kill myself though, i mean, i sort of did, but there's something that keeps me here, something that makes all this hell worthwhile. i'm not entirely sure what it is. i feel like it should be my friends, my family, but i don't know... and i hate myself for not being sure of that. of course offing myself would be easier without them, so i suppose they are a huge part of it. but there's something else. i sense that. and i am going insane trying to figure out what it is. if it's keeping me alive i think i should at least be in touch with it.

2003-01-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

okok. kill him.

2003-01-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA! guess who's an asshole?!! *sob* [here's where i become ridiculously pitiful and self centered.] well my most recent ex called and i am so upset i can't even....ugggraggggh! well marie (the bastard's new girlfriend) is sooooooooooooo wonderful. "yeah, kenny and ryan and marie came over on new years and then kenny and ryan left and it was just me and marie and we...uhhhhhh...we...watched movies and hung out" "...christmas was great, i got to be with marie and ..." ok, enough, shutup! we just broke up! we were still together for like two weeks after we broke up, so when someone is an ex of a month ago you don't tell them how wonderful your new sex toy is! *sob* fucking bastard! kill me now please! just kill me!
_
and the timing was just great. i mean, i'd just gotten home and was thinking about ben and how the bastard used me and, "hi this is claire, is ben home?" "umm, one sec *mufled something*, uhh who is this?" "claire." "no, he's asleep." "glances at clock and it's 6:30* oh ok. have him call me please" "uyhh, yeah, bye *hangs up*" "*sob*". ok, ben came over to my house a while ago and my parents weren't home and... he caused a whole lot of trauma. my life was in shambles. and then i called him so many times and he was never "there". ewan mcgregor looks so much like ben, or i suppose it's the other way around, and i'd just finished watching moulin rouge and i was all depressed and then that bastard of an ex called. ugggggghhhhhhh! fucking bastard!

2003-01-07T15:06:00.000-08:00

i was walking back from abby's and i passed these guys and one of them said, "dude, she's like, all lesbian-ed out! that is so tight!" (oh yeah, i was wearing my rainbow scarf.) it was kind of strange, i mean, it wasn't like offensive... at all. it was just... weird! but anyway, it made me smile, so that's a good thing.

2003-01-05T00:04:00.000-08:00

spiders do not make very good models. i was lying on the ground next to a spider up pretty close so i could sketch it and every time i’d get half of a decent outline the damn thing would move. it was very frustrating so i gave up. i think i was scaring the poor thing anyway. i mean, imagine having this huge face, hundreds of times larger than you, lying just inches away. yeah. freaky. poor spider. i forgive it for being uneasy.

2002-12-29T23:47:00.000-08:00

this is me talking to patrick pretending i'm sophie:
_
moredownthanup: hi
Rosetoes6: hi
Rosetoes6: who are you?
moredownthanup: is this sophie?
Rosetoes6: yeah
moredownthanup: oh
moredownthanup: you kicked claire off
moredownthanup: ok
moredownthanup: this is patrick
Rosetoes6: god bless kiblets, caviar, and pickled asparagus
moredownthanup: i'll vote for that
moredownthanup: although we're currently out of all three items
Rosetoes6: i think they're gross. keep them
moredownthanup: hah
moredownthanup: a
Rosetoes6: away from me
moredownthanup: i enjoy my caviar and pickled asparagus any day of the week
moredownthanup: wait
Rosetoes6: ewwww
moredownthanup: is this still sophie?
Rosetoes6: yes
moredownthanup: ok
Rosetoes6: why?
moredownthanup: didn't you say you liked those things last time we spoke?
Rosetoes6: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! i said that i thought they were gross
Rosetoes6: or i mean, i still do
moredownthanup: ok
moredownthanup: who said they liked them then?
moredownthanup: because someone did....
Rosetoes6: no one did. i don't know what the hell you're talking about
moredownthanup: fair enough
Rosetoes6: my sister's weird
moredownthanup: which one?
Rosetoes6: claire
Rosetoes6: i only have one
moredownthanup: ok
Rosetoes6: okokokokok
Rosetoes6: yeah well
Rosetoes6: do you like pickled pigs feet?
moredownthanup: god no
Rosetoes6: have youtried them?
moredownthanup: do you have any idea what those pigs walk on?
Rosetoes6: yes
Rosetoes6: but they take their hooves off
moredownthanup: principle of the thing
moredownthanup: why?
Rosetoes6: i was just curious, i mean you like all that other gross stuff
Rosetoes6: how about pickles? you know, just regular pickles
moredownthanup: i like dill's
moredownthanup: sweet pickles always seemed insincere to me
Rosetoes6: oh good. me tooooooooooooooooooooooo! for both
Rosetoes6: azdvnbl;/jbfuot84 v
moredownthanup: are you having your head banged against the keyboard?
Rosetoes6: yes, claire beats me incessantly
moredownthanup: yeah. she's buff
moredownthanup: haha
Rosetoes6: fuck you. says claire. but not literally
moredownthanup: ah. well, i say "i'm sorry"
moredownthanup: i say that a lot to claire
Rosetoes6: she says bugger off
moredownthanup: (i'm kind of a screw up)
Rosetoes6: just kidding
moredownthanup: i'm not.
Rosetoes6: she says apology accepted
Rosetoes6: NOT
Rosetoes6: no
Rosetoes6: really
moredownthanup: exactly. i told you. i'm kind of a screw up
Rosetoes6: she actually does say she accepts it
Rosetoes6: my pickle loving pal
Rosetoes6: claire made me write it! claire made me write it! claire made me write it! claire made me write it!
moredownthanup: it's funny none the less
moredownthanup: i could say something, but i won't
moredownthanup: wait, yes i will
Rosetoes6: probably a good idea she says
moredownthanup: actually i prefer tacos
Rosetoes6: oh, never mind then
Rosetoes6: wait, that's gross
moredownthanup: god made me write it! god made me write it! god made me write it!
Rosetoes6: god is not a pervert
moredownthanup: prove it
moredownthanup: exactly
Rosetoes6: oh wait, he created men, he is a pervert
moredownthanup: you wanna know why god doesn't do much anymore? because he spends all his time staring at women in showers!
moredownthanup: and claire is jesus
Rosetoes6: yes i know she is
Rosetoes6: she is my savior
Rosetoes6: and god is our father
Rosetoes6: jesus made me write it
Rosetoes6: so did mary
Rosetoes6: and the whole of bethlehem
Rosetoes6: all of them
Rosetoes6: ahhh! they're in my head!
Rosetoes6: save me save me
moredownthanup: take to asprin and call me in the morning
Rosetoes6: dude, it's two
Rosetoes6: "i took her hand and then an aspirin in the morning"
Rosetoes6: eve 6
moredownthanup: dammit
moredownthanup: *two
moredownthanup: i know
moredownthanup: it was an accident
moredownthanup: tell claire not to beat me for it
Rosetoes6: yeah right
Rosetoes6: yeah right
Rosetoes6: good luck hiding
moredownthanup: she knows where i live?
Rosetoes6: yeah
Rosetoes6: geeze\
Rosetoes6: she went to your house
Rosetoes6: i was in the car
Rosetoes6: i think you've gone mental on account of the pickled asparagus
Rosetoes6: asparagus killer!
Rosetoes6: weed whacker
Rosetoes6: lol
Rosetoes6: wait, it comes in stalks, even better. stalk whacker. eww, gross
moredownthanup: do you ever run out of gas?
Rosetoes6: eh?
Rosetoes6: gas?
Rosetoes6: like farts?
moredownthanup: steam
moredownthanup: ballast
moredownthanup: fuel
moredownthanup: you seem awfully self propelled
Rosetoes6: how so? i don't get it
moredownthanup: forget it
moredownthanup: stalk whacker
moredownthanup: geez
Rosetoes6: i thought it was funny
moredownthanup: clearly
Rosetoes6: my social skills are amazing
moredownthanup: ask claire about mine
Rosetoes6: she says not to even go htere
Rosetoes6: there
Rosetoes6: there there
Rosetoes6: there there there
Rosetoes6: t
Rosetoes6: h
Rosetoes6: e
Rosetoes6: r
Rosetoes6: e
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: easy peasey
Rosetoes6: japanesey
moredownthanup: excellent!
moredownthanup: no one ever finishes that
Rosetoes6: it's a gift
Rosetoes6: really
Rosetoes6: oh god i'm peeling
moredownthanup: try lotion
Rosetoes6: no i usually eat my skin
moredownthanup: hmm
Rosetoes6: shalty, yes yesh
moredownthanup: well, now i'm nauseous
Rosetoes6: all i know is that i'm having an amsterdam good time
moredownthanup: whores and opium?
Rosetoes6: yesh yesh
Rosetoes6: i'm from holland, ishn't dat veird?
moredownthanup: geez
moredownthanup: what grade are you in/
Rosetoes6: five hundred and seventh
Rosetoes6: or seventh
Rosetoes6: if you will
moredownthanup: ah
Rosetoes6: i've been to limbo
Rosetoes6: i speak fluet woodchuck
Rosetoes6: fluent
moredownthanup: you watch too many movies
Rosetoes6: i get there through my mirror
Rosetoes6: chucker chuck chuck chucker cucken
Rosetoes6: chucken
moredownthanup: CLAIRE!!!
moredownthanup: CLAIRE!!!!!!
moredownthanup: YOUR SISTER IS SHOWING HER TRUE COLOURS!!!!!!
moredownthanup: SAVE ME!!!!
Rosetoes6: no i swear to god it's sophie
Rosetoes6: oh i mean my father
Rosetoes6: to my father
Rosetoes6: mi faja
moredownthanup: you lost me
Rosetoes6: god says not to be distracted, just answer the fucking question
Rosetoes6: god's waiting
Rosetoes6: and waiting
Rosetoes6: and waiting
moredownthanup: which question, exactly?
Rosetoes6: god is impatient
moredownthanup: 42
Rosetoes6: wrong answer. it was holland.
Rosetoes6: you're fucked
Rosetoes6: yesh yesh yesh. ishn't dat veird
moredownthanup: 42 is always right
moredownthanup: just ask anyone
Rosetoes6: it's not right this time, insolent bastard
moredownthanup: a doug adams fan, for instance
moredownthanup: i'm not insolent, i'm indolent
moredownthanup: big difference
Rosetoes6: i say you're insolent so you are
Rosetoes6: i am god
moredownthanup: are you claires father?
moredownthanup: because otherwise you're just a half jesus
Rosetoes6: no, i'm claire's dad. and her sister
Rosetoes6: and her brother
moredownthanup: are you folks from arkansas?
moredownthanup: or alabama?
moredownthanup: because that would explain the father/brother confusion
Rosetoes6: neither, i'm from heaven
moredownthanup: not the sister bit though
Rosetoes6: ass
Rosetoes6: stick that in you're pipe and smoke iyt
Rosetoes6: it
Rosetoes6: your
moredownthanup: i smoke nothing!
moredownthanup: although i do have a neat pipe
Rosetoes6: bull fucking shit
Rosetoes6: you've gotta smoke something
Rosetoes6: i am god
Rosetoes6: i am right
moredownthanup: god isn't ever right!
moredownthanup: look at how much of his stuff has failed utterly
moredownthanup: he got like 1 thing right ever
moredownthanup: that whole, let there be light bit
Rosetoes6: nothing fails. it all ends up how i want it
moredownthanup: tell that jesus
moredownthanup: tell that to jesus
Rosetoes6: jesus says god is a fucking pervert
Rosetoes6: but i say god is a fucking genius
moredownthanup: glad to know someone is in my court
moredownthanup: if god's so smart, why isn't he rich?
Rosetoes6: i don't want to be rich
Rosetoes6: take that and shove it up your bum bum
moredownthanup: my bum bum shall remain unsullied
moredownthanup: is claire in the vicinity?
Rosetoes6: if you don't shove it up then hitler will
Rosetoes6: i have no recollection of what i just said
Rosetoes6: even jesus agrees
moredownthanup: is jesus in the vicinity?
moredownthanup: because if jesus is, tell her to slip you a valium or something
Rosetoes6: dude, this is jesus
Rosetoes6: it has been jesus
Rosetoes6: the whole fucking time
moredownthanup: then jesus needs a fucking valium too!
Rosetoes6: oh god that fun
Rosetoes6: oops
Rosetoes6: was
moredownthanup: glad you enjoyed yourself
moredownthanup: geez
Rosetoes6: so am i
moredownthanup: what're you, high?
Rosetoes6: no, alas
moredownthanup: don't say alas
Rosetoes6: just drunk
moredownthanup: oh, well that's fun anyhow
Rosetoes6: why not? i like that word?
moredownthanup: i've decided i'm ok with alcohol
Rosetoes6: actually i'm not drunk
Rosetoes6: i'm just manic
moredownthanup: i'm still ok with alcohol

2002-12-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

i wasn't going to publish this post. i'll end up with concerned frineds, or offended friends, or both. but anyway, i don't really care. here goes:
_
it's weird how i write compulsively. i'm at helen's house and this will never end up in my journal or anything i'm sure. her keyboard is sticky. i don't like it. it makes it difficult for me to type. looking around i don't want to go home. my house is so cold and uninviting. the disarray her room offers seems strangely welcoming and, in the slightest way, organized in its own peculiar manner. i just read a bit of this book, the last time i wore a dress, it's really good. i like it a lot. i started somewhere near the end and stopped at the last chapter. i'll read the beginning before i finish it. yeah i know. another oddity. i'm full of them. my thoughts are running at five thousand miles an hour. i can't even decide what to put down next and none of the flow together. each consecutive thought has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one. i'm listening to dashboard confessional. i know i bash him all the time, but i really like him. especially a plain morning. and whichever song is playing now. "breathe in for luck" i don't know what it's called but that's something from it. and :"my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me" i hate how i'll know what something is but the name will escape me at the very moment i need it. last night we went to that glbt meeting again. nick is awesome. straight guys are assholes. patrick was really gross last night. i guess it's kind of my fault. i mean i was sort of putting images in his head but i thought he knew i was kidding. i hate it when he's like that. uggh. gross. dicks are sooooooo unappealing. they make me want to vomit. think about it. they are just about the least attractive part of human anatomy. eww. and guys are bastards. i am so stupid. why? because that never stopped me from being with any of them. well, it stopped me from being with a few, but the crown assholes, the most domineering and powerful, those i couldn't escape. their hands as well as their minds. but no more. i'm not that worthless. i needn't surrender to their humiliating desires any longer. i hate them. loathe them. every time i see an old, well i guess flame is appropriate in a few way, so yes, every time i see an old flame i seethe with anger and hatred. every one save sam. but our relationship was all in my mind. i never saw him. i made it up. it was bullshit. i loved a lie. love is stupid. well, no not really. i just get that notion every time i think about sam. maybe i just… i don't know. i don't know much of anything anymore. i'm so confused all the time. i hate it here. here being wherever i am, aside from friends' places and such. i guess i mean by being somewhere i am alone as long as the majority of the other people aren't among my better friends. here, in this room, i am fine. it's strange because ni my house i amn alone, and you wouldn't think it. shouldn't i be close to my family? i'm not that clkose to them at all. mostly we're strangers. they don't know much about me ad i don't know much about them. what i do know make sme not really want to know more. i like them well enough, and i guess i love them. in a familial way, hence they are my family. sophie i like. it's painful watching her grow up. i wish she'd remain young and naïve forever. why should she suffer through this hell? she's such a good kid. she doesn't deserve it at all. she deserves the best the world has to offer. oh well, i guess that's life. she'll fare well enough. i need something. i don't know what i need. my life is penetrated by insanity from all angles. me, my friends, my family, complete strangers… gaaahh! save me! get me away from, here! i don't know what i'm doing. oh god. help me help em. i say that too often. i'm fine. i'll make it. forty-five and i'm done. thirty more years. not even, twenty-nine and one half. that's it for me. over a third of the way through. i can make it. i can. and i will. …at least i hope i will.

2002-12-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

Char: yeah my dad gave me this verse. involving like cutting, something "thou" somethnig "thyself", involving cutting and tattooing...
_
Me: thou shalt not cut thyself? thou shalt not tattoo thyself... thou shalt not do anything involving thyself.
_
Char: like eating?
_
Me: thou shalt not eat thyself!
_
Char and me: *insane giggles* *death*

2002-12-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

fucking bastard! i hate men.

2002-12-25T02:59:00.000-08:00

What kinda of suicidal person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-12-24T15:57:00.000-08:00

guys are gross and christmas is stupid.

2002-12-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

this guy signed my guestbook. he called me a "fuckin poser bitch" i think. anyway, what i'd like to focus on is "fuckin". it's not even a word. if he's going to try to insult me he should at least spell correctly. i hope he reads this. idiot. and as for the poser part of it, i'm not really sure what he means. to be a poser i'd have to be trying to be something, right? i'm going to assume he's either a skater -because of his vocabulary- or is insecure regarding his own, umm, "punkiness", because in my experience "poser" is used to define people who try to be hardcore but listen to pop-punk and such. so on this point i am confused. i don't try to be a punk. i don't even think i'm a punk. i think punks are stupid as a group anyway, and i don't usually make generalizations, but this one's pretty safe. in fact, i don't think i'm anything aside from myself. labels are just stupid. and as for the "bitch" part, i'm not a bitch. i'd have to be nicer to be a bitch.

2002-12-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

yesterday was not a good day. in fact, it wasn't even a bad day. it was a horrible day ...and today wasn't all that much better. yesterday was one of those days when it hurts to smile, and it hurts to hold my eyes open and it hurts to close them, so i can barely keep from crying. it was one of those days when it hurts to breathe, when it hurts to live and to speak and to listen, but mostly it hurts to be miserable and miserable is all i am. today i couldn't speak- i couldn't even open my mouth- without my throat tightening and a sob threatening to burst forth, but at least i could listen. so that's what i did most of the day. i just sat and listened, and nodded from time to time, occasionally interjecting a slightly relevant comment. today i couldn't smile ...at least, not for more than half of a second, but i couldn't really frown either. not that i was trying. i just ...i just wanted to disappear; to go away and never look back. oh god, please take me away.

2002-12-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

today was not a good day. it was one of those days. you know, everyone says "it's just one of those days." of course, i'm never exactly sure what they mean, because their "those days" could be entirely different from my "those days". but for me, when i tell people "i'm having one of those days," what i really mean is i'm not really sure why i bothered waking up. in fact i'm not even really sure why i shouldn't just go back to sleep and never wake up again. i mean that everything i thought i'd been living for and everything i'd thought i'd had going for me just completely dissolved through my tears and all that was left was the nasty salty stuff i try to ignore the rest of the time, but since it's "one of those days" i can't wash the salt away. yeah, today was definitely one of those days.

2002-12-10T22:19:00.001-08:00

god, i fucking hate myself.

2002-12-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

i like to at least think i have control over it, because of past events, so if i'm doing something i "want" to be doing or am sort of toying with the guy then I am the one in control. i don't think this makes much sense, it's kind of hard to explain. but i had just been dominated so much and forced into so many things that i sort of subconsciously decided that if i'm toying them (or i think i am, can convince myself i am) then i am in control and nothing horrible will happen again. it's stupid. i know yeah, well there's also this, umm, "i don't think i deserve someone who would treat me well because i'm not really good for anything other than fucking" block that i can't get rid of. it's not actually that vulgar, but condensed it is.

2002-11-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

another thing. because i am obviously intolerant of stupidity, i have further concluded that high school is definitely not the place for me, and i hope to get out of this hell hole as soon as possible.

2002-11-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

my english teacher was talking about how money is important even though people say it isn't sometimes. i agree with her on this. it's exciting because we don't agree on that much. and she has poor grammar from time to time. it was especially noticable today. odd. she's an english teacher, she's supposed to speak well. oh well, can't have everything.
_
about money: i think it would be nice if money wasn't so important. in a perfect society there wouldn't be such a strong emphasis on it, or it would just be completely shucked aside, but this is not even close to a perfect society and money is important. those who say it isn't are dreadfully wrong. i wish to, well... something, that it wasn't, but there isn't anything i can do to change the fact that it is, so i just acknowledge and accept that fact. the rest of society should realize it too. IT CAN'T BE CHANGED, PEOPLE! GET A GRIP! ughh, yet another example of the stupidity demonstrated daily. oh, it is so sad.

2002-11-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

i am so exhausted. i have been deprived of sleep for days, all my fault of course, and it was mostly worth it. i could have done without a few of the, umm, "events" i suppose. they were all great... at the time. in retrospect, i think i'll end up regretting some of them, and i know i'll repret at least one.
_
uggh. i dislike that about myself. i knew what i was doing had the posibility of going awry, but that didn't stop me. it has a lot to do with the fact that i don't care all that much about what happens to me, but unfortunately i end up hurting other people because i'm kind of careless due to that fact, and i don't like hurting other people. vicious, vicious.
_
i know i said i wanted a girlfriend recently, but i've decided that i don't want a relationship at all. they consume too much of my time, and i since i have very little spare time that isn't a good thing by any stretch of the imagination. i don't even think i want to do hook-ups. err, no, that's the wrong choice of words. i want to have them, i just think (know) that i would be better off without. i wonder how long i'll last. i really have a hard time going for over a month without any action. which is probably a sign that i need to stop. i'll end up a fucking nympho, which i suppose would be a good thing if i end up working in the porn industry for a while. i think i'd rather do pictures than movies though, and for pictures you don't really have to fuck anyone. anyway, back on track, i don't know what to do. i am confused. i miss matt horribly. and i feel guilty about it because i think about him all of the time. i'm serious too. all of the time, in everything i do. it's crappy. (so much for getting back on track.)
_
completely switching tracks, i hate stupid people. the president is stupid. punks are stupid -or, punks over thirty- (the president is not a punk. as i state the obvious) i hate punks over thirty unless they're in a really successful band so they're actually geting somewhere be being irresponsible and gross. (oh the irony!) here i use the word hate. i hate very few things. so know that i am serious about this. i think that all people should have to pass an iq test once they turn 16 and if they don't then they should be killed. erradicate the stupid people!
_
people should also have to take a test to have kids. i mean, has anyone else noticed that the lower the intelligence of a family the more prolific they tend to be? it's soooo screwy. so, if people have to take a test to have kids then only the very inteligent will be able to and they will only be able to have two, unless the second happens to be twins (or triplets, etc.) as long as no fertility drugs are used. this way we will be guaranteed an intelligent race. the ignorant population will die off due a halt in reproduction, and all people 16 and older will actually be competent.

2002-11-12T21:51:00.000-08:00

i am hollow. i am numb, save a dull ache in my throat. everything is surreal. i can't think. i can barely breathe. my pillow is soaked with tears, my cheeks stained with streaks of mascara and saline. i am worthless; a toy, a possession. i'm valued nom ore than a pebble kicked along the ground, day after day after painful, sorrowful day.

_i've been betrayed. my heart can't bear the pain, so my body has shut down. the shock of it all hit me in a wave, and took hours to settle out. its edges are still lapping at my soul; teasing me, laughing at my despair.

_i've lost all trust. no longer can i comfortably confide in anyone. my love, my friends ...all are, all are ...lost. nothing will ever be the same. life's cruel realities have put me in my place yet again, they've tightened the choke-hold on my innovcence and naivete, killing the final remnants.

_i no longer suffer any illusions. suffer, ha! if only that had been suffering. oh, what a dreadful irony. why couldn't i have been spared this once? is crushing my very essence part of some divine plan? no, no diabolical scheme could be so treacherous as to crush a young girl's life, while she watches, screaming yet barely breathing. no evil could be so string, so the divine ...never.

_i shuck it to ruthless luck. no other explanation seems plausible. but oh, how i wish for solace.

2002-11-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

i talked to a counselor today. it did nothing. mostly wasted time. we established things that i had already established for myself, and she told me things i already knew. grr. frustrating. isn't she supposed to be wise and insightful or something? i rarely get anything out of going to counselors.

2002-11-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

i want to be with a girl, and it makes me feel guilty. but lately i've been thinking about it, and i really want to. i feel bad because i have matt, so i feel like i should be happy enough with him. but i still want a girlfriend. grrr!

2002-11-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

oh, oh, oh! the most exciting thing! i went to a play at sheldon (that's not the exciting part) and ryland was there. i hadn't seen him in so long. oh, i missed him so much. it was lovely. i have to see him again soon. it was so strange, neither of us were going to go, but then last minute we just decided to. it was fated. i know it. he was living in cali for the past year, and then moved up right before school started. wow. i was speechless. i saw him from across the room and he looked at me, and it was like we were the only two people in the room even though there were dozens of passersby. it was all in slow motion and i walked up to him, and he gave me this huge hug! i missed him so. (sigh).
_
and then when i came home there was a message on the answering machine from chris -this guy i went to orchestra camp with -i was so excited to hear from him. this day has just been wonderful all around. oh, happy day!

2002-11-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

well, well, icky, pukey, sick.

2002-11-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: so
cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: tell me something
cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: anything at all
cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: i've got nothing
cultureinsurgent [7:52 PM]: vent if you want. don't vent if you don't want. still, i'd like to hear something
Kranbeary2 [7:53 PM]: okay. i have some venting. matt is imperceptive and unsympathetic. i really needed him to comfort me today, but he just didn't get it. ass.
cultureinsurgent [7:54 PM]: i'm sorry
cultureinsurgent [7:54 PM]: what did you need comforting about?
Kranbeary2 [7:58 PM]: oh this guy i used to fool around with tears me apart emotionally. every time he calls he's so down that "you're the only person i could call. i need you, claire. i need the sound of your voice. i wanted to kill myself, but i remembered you. help me. everything's going wrong. run away with me claire. we have to be together. you're the only thing that makes me happy. i'll never hurt you, i promise. run away with me. i need you (sob). i need you." of course this makes me cry too.
cultureinsurgent [8:02 PM]: oh god
cultureinsurgent [8:02 PM]: thats awful
cultureinsurgent [8:03 PM]: he could stand to work on how he handles things with you
cultureinsurgent [8:03 PM]: i mean, realistically, you're a good person to listen to him, but he shouldn't be dumping all that exceedingly heavy stuff on you
cultureinsurgent [8:03 PM]: i've done it once to you. and i feel awful about it whenever it comes to mind
Kranbeary2 [8:05 PM]: it's not so bad all the time, but today it just hurt. today wasn't a good day for him to call. and you know what the worst part is? i love him. yeah, that's right. i do. and i fucking hate him just as much.

2002-11-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

bloop, bleep, bleeoop.

2002-11-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

i am so tired. i'm sitting in the computer lab with leah. free period. it's kind of boring. brian freaked me out at rocky horror. he kept touching me and used that stupid fish line ben used. he also begged to take me and char home because "i have bench seats, come one. please. let me drive you guys. do you have a curfew? please let me take you. it's a big car. please." uggh, it was shitty. i mean, i like him, he's sexy and all, but i have a boyfriend, and it was very diffucult for me. grrrr. oh well, it's good for future reference i suppose. he also mentioned bondage stuff (tee hee!).

2002-11-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

that bastard. that fucking bastard.

2002-11-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

odd.

2002-11-03T20:36:00.002-08:00

hmm.

2002-11-03T20:36:00.001-08:00

but i'm happy.

2002-11-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

i'm confused.

2002-11-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

i am sick of everything.

2002-11-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

i miss matt. i need to see him. i bet we'll break up soon, because we see each other so infrequently. that's usually what does it, and he mentioned that it bothers him. fuck.

2002-10-30T13:50:00.000-08:00

Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance

Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Washing against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

2002-10-30T13:47:00.000-08:00

blick.

2002-10-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

thank you patrick. thank you so much.

2002-10-30T13:40:00.000-08:00

Be prepared to laugh out loud!
>
><< Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
> >
> >Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
>gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
> >
> > His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
>underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
> >
> > He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
>who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
>boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
>schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
>those
>boxes with a pinhole in it.
> >
> > She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
>room-temperature Canadian beef.
> >
> > She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
>just
>before it throws up.
> >
> > Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
> >
> > He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
> >
> > The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
>of
>his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
>surcharge-free ATM.
> >
> > The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
>bowling
>ball wouldn't.
> >
> > McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
>with
>vegetable soup.
> >
> > From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
>surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
>comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
> >
> > Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
> >
> > The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
>them in hot grease.
> >
> > Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
>grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
>Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
>p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
> >
> > They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
>resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
> >
> > John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
>also
>never met.
> >
> > He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
>River.
> >
> > Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
>one
>that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
> >
> > Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
> >
> > The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
>plan just might work.
> >
> > The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
>for
>a while.
> >
> > "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
>freshman on $1-a-beer night.
> >
> > He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
>real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
>something.
> >
> > The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
>(D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to
>Rep.
>Henry Hyde (R-Ill. ) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the
>impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
> >
> > The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
>behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
> >
> > It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
>power
>tools.
> >
> > He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
>she were a garbage truck backing up.
> >
> > She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
> >
> > Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
>pH
>cleanser.
> >
> > She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
> >
> > Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
>paper
>fax machine that needed a band tightened.
> >
> > It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
>the
>wall
> > >>

2002-10-30T13:38:00.000-08:00

i dyed sophie's hair. it's pretty. bloop.

2002-10-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

What Teen TV Stereotype Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

tee hee! that's funny, i'm not that bad. maybe a teeny but, but on the whole i'm, uh, okayish i guess.

2002-10-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

ho, ho! this is hilarious! i got it from char's blog. she said something about being happy because home grown isn't coming and good charlotte is. this kid totally ripped on her and then sort of apologized in a quote that will follow (eventually). it's funny because the other day i was like, "good charotte sounds like shit. they're like hip hop, emo, punk, and death metal all mushed together." ha! i'm not alone!!!!!! here's the proof:

"I ATTACK NO ONE...but dont bag on Home Grown and praise good charlotte (does benji wear more make up everyday or what) im really not a person to bag on people but come on...good charlotte blows... i mean...have you actually heard them play? The only thing more complexing then watching those idiots on stage is trying to figure out what kind of music they are playing... is it punk?...is it rap?...is it pop?...is it shit?...i think so! Love to all once again. Even Char though I disrespected her before...I am sorry...I just have a strong opinion about crappy ass bands like good charlotte...if you like em fine...but Home Grown has actually worked to the point that they are at...and they are also a hundred times the band that GC is...so i will say no more!"

2002-10-21T00:47:00.000-07:00

forgive me, they relieve stress

What's your brand of sexy?
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What is your Alter-Ego
Personality?

What Unconventional Movie Heroine Are You?
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Your Secret Fetish Is Piercings!

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You sees "31 Flavors" as the ideal place to work.

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You are definitely a sexual glutton, taking as much as you can ;)

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well, duh

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Put down the whip and unlace those come-fuck-me boots!

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Your sexual encounters are usually spiced with role-play, bondage, new positions,
props, and fun fetishes.

Are *You* Kinky? Click Here to Find Out!

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What's *Your* Sex Sign?

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hey, whadya know, i am a cancer

Find out which But I'm A Cheerleader girl you are.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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You Have a Submissive Ass!

Bend over, because I'm your master.

I'm going to spank you harder and faster.

Beat your ass good until it burns.

Then let my friends take their turns.

What Ass Do *You* Have??

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Your Inner Blonde is Pamela Anderson

Although you look like a cartoon character, you lead a soap opera life.

Stop picking the wrong guys, and your glamourous life won't have a Marylin Monroe
ending.

Who's *Your* Inner Dumb Blonde? Click Here to Find Out!

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You Are An Intense Kisser!

Deep tounging, nibbling, and locking lips for hours are on your agenda.

You've been known to wear lovers out with your kiss,

before getting to anything else on the menu.

And given that you kiss so well... imagine how you do everything else.

How Do *You* Kiss?

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What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
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What Color Eyes Should You Have?
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2002-10-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

2002-10-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

i wrote a harmony for "my dreams escaped" yesterday. my sister helped a tiny on the bridge. (sort of.) fun, fun.
_
i saw joshua bell in concert last night. he is so incredible. when he plays, even if i've heard the piece a thousand times, it's as though it is an entirely new piece. he's so beautiful. i got his autograph and (this will sound pathetic) his bow hair. i had so many things i wanted to tell him and so many questions i wanted to ask, but when i got to him i couldn't say anything. it was amazing. poeme (pretend you see an accent over the e) was so sensual and full of emotion. i fell in love with it. i want to see him again. oh, it was amazing. and he shook my hand! mine! my ordinary, little hand, and he smiled. i know that's not incredibly significant, but i'm going to pretend it is. and he smiled at me as i was leaving. oh i was so happy. he is a god. i've never seen anyone or heard anything as beautiful and magnificent as he. oh, it was heaven.

2002-10-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

i wrote a song. it's called "my dreams escaped". here are the lyrics:

i’ve been around so long
i can’t take this anymore
i’ve hit the ground so hard
and i’ve crashed against the shore

my hopes have shattered
my dreams escaped
they leave me here with only pain
my tears have splattered
upon the bed
i wanna fall asleep in your arms again

i’ve given you love and been wronged
you stripped my heart down to its core
i was lifted up, but then scarred
when you cast me to the floor

my hopes have shattered
my dreams escaped
they leave me here with only pain
my tears have splattered
upon the bed
i wanna fall asleep in your arms again

and here i stand
waiting to hold you
longing for your lips to touch my face
please hold my hand
take me away from here
somewhere where your arms will keep me safe

‘cause i’ve been around so long
i can’t take this anymore
i’ve hit the ground so hard
and i’ve crashed against the shore

my hopes have shattered
my dreams escaped
they leave me here with only pain
my tears have splattered
upon the bed
i wanna fall asleep in your arms again

i wanna fall asleep in your arms again

2002-10-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

i just had a complete emotional break down. want to know what spurred it? a mouse. actually, two mice, but that’s still pathetic. of course it wasn’t only because of them. it was everything accumulated to this massive amount of stress, and then the mice just pushed me over the edge. they got out of their cage. now two of my snakes are hungry and the mice are chewing up my clothes. i was fine at first, then i was throwing things everywhere and yelling at my sister, and then i felt so horrible for yelling at her because i lover her so much and she was only trying to help me. so i started sobbing and collapsed amidst the chaos of my room, longing for the eradication of the chaos in my life.
_
my life is a mess. not quite as messy as it has been, but so difficult and painful. i have reduced my number of lovers to two. i didn’t shed the others on my own, as the quotes from the previous entry tell. and i’m down to my two favorites, so it should be all shiny and happy for me. but it’s not. i have to leave both of them or stay with both of them. i can’t only leave one. they mean so much. together they would be the absolute perfect guy. no, they would be more than perfect. i need both of them to keep me sane, or i can’t have either. and i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. it’s a lot more complicated than it seems on the surface, but it is impossible to explain months of love and lust and passion and jealousy in any way that would even begin to make sense. but that’s the beauty (and the misery). it’s nonsensical.
_
also to do with my lovely guys, one has one-and-a-quarter other girls with whom he fools around occasionally. the quarter is because one he isn’t sure of and doesn’t mean much yet. unfortunately, this quarter is my friend. i love her. i am beginning to fall in love with him. which is another reason i can’t decide what to do about him/them/her/it/whatever.
_
another element to my despair is that i am suffocating in my current group of friends. i like them all well enough, and most of them are incredible people ...as individuals. as a group i cannot take them much longer. not all of them of course. there are five girls and two guys whose company i’m sure i will [almost] never tire of. you know who you are, and i apologize because i feel as though i’ve been neglecting you with the new “group” i seem to have acquired. i will try to spend more time with you because i miss you and love you. this being specifically directed towards the laurakimiali part of my life.
_
as well as spending more time with them, i want to expand my social group. a few feeble attempts have so far resulted in nothing more than an occasional nods of acknowledgement in passing. i think the problem may be that i have already been stereotyped by several people and they or their friends are ignorant causing difficulties surrounding the sparking of new friendships.
_
i am also terrified of getting older. i will not drive because it is a sign of losing childhood innocence (sort of). it means responsibility and growing up, and that frightens me to the point of tears. don’t get me wrong, i’m looking forward to being an adult, i just don’t want it yet. i’m not ready. and i’m graduating at the end of next school year! ahhh! that means college, moving out, getting my own place, a job ...eventually marriage, kids, and getting fat. and i don’t know what i want to do yet, which adds yet another horror. i don’t have a whole lot of time left to figure it out. but how am i supposed to? i’m just a kid. a lost kid.

2002-10-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

fuck. kill me now please. kill me or save me. get me out of this hell. i can't take it. i can't, i can't. i'm dying here.

2002-10-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

"i love you claire ...i just never thought i'd fall in love with someone so emotionally fucked up."
~cody
_
"ahh, she's not really my type anymore. she has to many guys. she's such a slut."
~mike

2002-09-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

doesn't that seem to be working against the "ideal" hippie cause?

2002-09-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

ok, so ideally hippies are supposed to be planting and harvesting, in touch with the earth, and in harmony with the animals, but if agriculture sets us apart from the rest of the animals (us being people, our culture, or actually, our "broad culture" which takes too much time to explain, so just go with me on this one), how is this living in harmony with them (animals)?

2002-09-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

you are the second youngest girl. you die with carbon monoxide posioning.

you are a rebel, you have sex on the roof, smoke, stay out later than told..

you're mom made you burn your rock records... you were the beautiful one.

you're a stone fox and by far most people's favorite lisbon girl.

what lisbon girl are you?

(brought you by april)

2002-09-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

I WAS A GIFTED CHILD
i had my niche.
intelligent. creative. or artistic.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)

2002-09-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

i want to be cute. i want somene to tell me that i look cute. not pretty. not sexy. cute. there is a difference. cute girls get boyfriends who love them and respect them and don't just hang out with them because they want to get in their pants. cute girls are nice with dimples and freckles. i want to be cute damnit. i am so sick of sexy. i want to be cute!!!!!!!!

2002-09-15T00:34:00.000-07:00

i am crying so hard right now. i need a hug. i feel like dying.

2002-09-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

fuck off.

2002-09-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

and charlotte, just for the record, i like katie miller.

2002-09-10T21:46:00.001-07:00

shit.

2002-09-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

well, benjamin asked me out. rather than explain my whole guy situation i just explained that i like what we have (true), want to keep it this way (true), and would hate for us not to be friends if and when we broke up (true). he actually agreed and said that after he asked me he wasn't sure. all well and good. the next day cody asked me out. well cody knows everything so i just told him he knows i won't say yes, and he just said it couldn't hurt to try. oh. fuck my life. i am such a mean person. a horrible person. i really need to stop, i just can't think of any good way to do it without offending at least two people. (ben and cody. matt could care less.)

2002-09-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

i went to a concert with charlotte last night. i saw benjamin. he was stoned. when he is stoned he is a perverted, idiotic, insensetive prick. FUCK HIM. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was already feeling horrible, and that made it worse. and i know the next time i see him, i will remember how mean he was but i will still give in to him. i am so stupid. i hate myself.

2002-09-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

my scanner is miserable and barely shows shading, so these look like shit. i'm really better at drawing than this.

2002-09-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

the products of depression:

2002-09-04T01:53:00.000-07:00

i have to leave in seven hours to register. i have not gone to sleep. it is almost two in the morning. shit.

2002-09-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

What is my spectrum?

I am blue: My main color is blue. I am a little bitter when people choose a blissfully ignorant aproach to life. I try to see things for the way they really are.

What is my spectrum?

2002-09-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

i ran into this kid, eli, at staples. i feel so stupid. i waved and said "hi", he did the same, and my heart was fluttering five hundred miles an hour. i feel like such a little girl. it's so silly. he's not really all that cute, but i like him. there's no way i'll ever talk to him at school though, because his "crowd" doesn't associate with mine. it's sad. i'm so pathetic and immature. shit.