i want a ticket to anywhere

2003-08-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

2003-06-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

¡Ay, Chico! Why don’t you write more? Dime quien eres. Estuve un poco triste cuando I couldn’t contact you. El sangre de mi corazón está en sus manos; ¡ayi!, tu no quieres ese. Me pienso eres tonto. Recuerda: dykes bite; wear cuidado on your sleeve.

2003-05-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

"I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow."

2003-05-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

Why cannot I get it right?

2003-05-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

In walked your memory
And swallowed my soul
I turned to run away, but
There was no solace to which I could go
I can't escape your face
I can't escape my mind
I can't escape your memory
Vision, leave me alone
Let my heart be blind

Back came the fear
I felt when with you
But also the innocence
That, from me, you took all too soon
It lingers in that place
A place I can't find
Except for in memories
Shivers, leave my bones
Let freedom be mine

2003-05-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

“For whom do you sing this dismal dirge,
In tones so long and low?
Whose death do you mourn?
Whose still heart has stopped your own?”

“My Emptiness died, and Friend, I urge
Your absence when you know
That though I'm torn, I do not mourn;
Her death has brought me hope.

“From sorrow it has flung my heart,
Into a deep despair,
Yet in this despair there is a light,
And sweet, sweet life hangs in the air.

“In this life I know not where to start.
This Freedom I cannot bear;
But She gives me strength and love and might.
For myself that’s beyond compare.

“My voice is lifting up the pain
And purging it through song.
The pain that Emptiness brought to me,
That made me feel so lost, so wrong.
.
“Never will I feel that again,
For Freedom makes me strong.
Her love holds me closely, powerfully.
It’s what I’ve needed all along.

“So Friend, you need to understand
That though this hymn is sad,
Without it I would cease to live,
And, in truth, it makes me glad.

“Freedom lent her loving hand
And laughing then began.
There is nothing more that She could give
Than that which makes me glad.

“I know not how Emptiness came to end,
Just that She had to go;
She’d forced me almost to the edge,
Where I lost my ability to cope.

“Emptiness is gone forever, my Friend,
And has left me here to grow.
Leave now in the knowledge
That Her death has brought me hope”

2003-05-04T22:50:00.000-07:00

I fell into your gentle love,
And your warm heart lifted me
Until together we could fly,
Laugh, love, and be free.
But in flying so high
There is a greater chance
To crash and burn,
And leave this dance
Of happiness and love.
So I close my eyes and hope and pray
That your arms will envelope me every day,
Until that day when together we rise
From this Heaven on Earth
To Heaven in the Sky.

2003-05-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

You showed me how to cry, but now I know not how to live.

2003-05-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

No te quiero,
Quiero tu salgame,
No te quiero,
Soy una mujer quien no sufres amor para tí.

No venga a mi corazon,
Tengo emociones frios.
Salga mi vida; soy la entera sin tu.
No me diga tienes amor,
Cuando hablaba, tu no estuvo oyendo.
Ahora, no quiero oír.

No te quiero,
Quiero salirte,
No te quiero,
Soy una mujer quien no puedes oír a tí.

Leave me here, small, alone,
Abandon your plastic pose.
Maybe I’m small, but I’m complete without you.
I don’t want you anymore.
I spoke, but what I said you do not know.
Listen: leave me here.

I don’t want you.
I’ll fly away.
I don’t love you.
I’ll fly to the edge, and if you follow, I’ll plunge to the sea.

No venga a mi corazon,
Tengo emociones frios.
Salga mi vida; soy la entera sin tu.
No me diga tienes amor,
Cuando hablaba, tu no estuvo oyendo.
Ahora, no quiero oír.

No te quiero.
I’ll fly away.
If you follow
Mires la terra, no estás volar despues mí.

Leave me here, small, alone,
Abandon your plastic pose.
Maybe I’m small, but I’m complete without you.
I don’t want you anymore.
I spoke, but what I said you do not know.
Listen: leave me here.

I don’t want you.
I’ll fly away.
I won’t miss you.
My heart left you long ago; don’t run after me.

No te quiero.
Quiero salirte.
I don’t love you.
Soy una mujer quien no sufres amor para tí.

My heart left you long ago; don’t run after me.

2003-04-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

This is what you said,
No, no. This is what I said,
But this isn't what I needed:

I said, "Baby,
You know I wish that I could love you."
I said, "Baby,
It's just that when I'm thinking of you I slide away...
And it's always when I know I need to fall..."

This is how I fell,
Though I don't really know how to tell you
What I need now,

I fell slowly;
I really thought that I could love you.
I fell screaming,
Because now I know that I can love you, but I love her too,
And I just don't know for whom to fall...

This is my last wish,
This is my final prayer,
Because I need you, there...

I implore you,
I knew not what I was doing.
Forgive me,
Because I know I left you crying; well, she cried too,
And I cried when I decided where to fall...

This is what you said,
No, no. This is what I said.
I know it's not what you needed...

2003-04-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

Love falls barely short of hatred,
And the hand I hold always wears a glove.
Perfection is always less than perfect,
And all I need is way too much,
For the greedy hands, they hunger stronger;
They reach out and grab what I can’t take.
“Just enough” is never satisfying.
Their deceptions cradle me in hate.

2003-04-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

and this is what she wrote:
[How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery
To love and be loved.
Let's just hope that is enough.]

i am so lost.
i am so confused
i am stuck in a haze

[And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground]

my life just exploded before my eyes.

[I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy.]

again.

[Time has taught me that all things come to a bitter end.
I try to fight it but it's no use
I must be insane]

my heart feels like it's being consumed by my lungs.

[A thousand voices erupt in chorus while you just stare. My pillow doesn't hold the same affect as your body would, and my hands don't fit anywhere else but with yours. And I hate you for this. And I love you for this. And I'm so lost.....]

there must be something wrong with me.

[Will my number come up eventually? Like Love is some kind of lottery,
where you can scratch and see what is underneath.
It's "Sorry",just one cherry, "Play Again." Get lucky.]

i don't know what to think.
what to feel.
what to do.
i don't know anything.

[...So I won't ever be happy again]

tears are blurring my vision
and it seems as if they never stop

[and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.]

blood clumps on my arm
stopping too soon.

[and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories]

and i can't fucking focus

[because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight]

i can't breathe

[i'm giving myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff]

i'm trapped under a mountain of mistakes

[i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening]

and i hate this.

[if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright]

i hate this so much.

[I think I had better find some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again]

2003-04-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

it's funny-
i know i'm not a strong person,
but i've never really felt this weak;
my body is hollow,
my mind is...
i don't know.
i don't really know anything anymore.
i feel as though any breath could shatter me,
as though any thought could kill me,
for i love you the most, and i have hurt you more than i have ever hurt anyone.
nothing makes sense right now,
in fact i'm not entirely sure if this is real.
it doesn't feel real.
i mean, how could it be?
i love you, you love me,
we were so happy... why couldn't i just fall?
if ever i could erase time, i would erase my life.
all the things through which i have suffered...
next to this they are nothing;
no pain, no sorrow,
no anguish has ever been so great as this,
and yet it was inevitable.
still, inevitable as it may have been i feel it was unforgivable.
you have never been anything short of wonderful, perfect, incredible...
you don't need this.
you don't deserve this.
no one ever does.
and it was the worst...
it shattered not only our intimacy,
but has weakened our friendship as well.
no matter how many times i say, "i love you,"
you will always remember, and i will always remember...
...that day...
why is it that we remember the things we wish to forget the most?
it is a terrible curse.
and so am i,
a curse upon you and your happiness because i am powerful in your life,
but weak in my own,
and foolish with both.
i hope that the scars will not be too deep.
i hope that what is tarnished will again be able to shine.
i hope that you will always know that you are the most important person in my life.
i love you.
i will always love,
but i know i don't deserve you.

2003-02-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

fuck.

2003-02-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

i'm slipping. i don't really know to where, or from where, or why. or how, or... anything really. usually i can tell where my spiral is heading, but this time i can't. and it's like a fucked up, incongruous, random, chaotic spiral. like a web. i'm weaving a web of chaos. i'm entangling myself in an even more stressful life than the one i currently cannot escape.

2003-02-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

"would you just shut up? it's depressing listening to you talk."
(thanks mom)

2003-02-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

i fell down the stairs twice today.

2003-02-10T23:08:00.000-08:00

oh god, too much blood. too much. way too much. all over.

2003-02-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

i have a date with a beautiful, talented, interesting girl. wow. and we're going to get coffee too... it's like... heaven.

2003-01-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

yes i know that my postshave consisted mainly of quizzes, but they relieve stress and i am very stressed.

2003-01-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

What box do you get put in?
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