this is me talking to patrick pretending i'm sophie:
_
moredownthanup: hi
Rosetoes6: hi
Rosetoes6: who are you?
moredownthanup: is this sophie?
Rosetoes6: yeah
moredownthanup: oh
moredownthanup: you kicked claire off
moredownthanup: ok
moredownthanup: this is patrick
Rosetoes6: god bless kiblets, caviar, and pickled asparagus
moredownthanup: i'll vote for that
moredownthanup: although we're currently out of all three items
Rosetoes6: i think they're gross. keep them
moredownthanup: hah
moredownthanup: a
Rosetoes6: away from me
moredownthanup: i enjoy my caviar and pickled asparagus any day of the week
moredownthanup: wait
Rosetoes6: ewwww
moredownthanup: is this still sophie?
Rosetoes6: yes
moredownthanup: ok
Rosetoes6: why?
moredownthanup: didn't you say you liked those things last time we spoke?
Rosetoes6: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! i said that i thought they were gross
Rosetoes6: or i mean, i still do
moredownthanup: ok
moredownthanup: who said they liked them then?
moredownthanup: because someone did....
Rosetoes6: no one did. i don't know what the hell you're talking about
moredownthanup: fair enough
Rosetoes6: my sister's weird
moredownthanup: which one?
Rosetoes6: claire
Rosetoes6: i only have one
moredownthanup: ok
Rosetoes6: okokokokok
Rosetoes6: yeah well
Rosetoes6: do you like pickled pigs feet?
moredownthanup: god no
Rosetoes6: have youtried them?
moredownthanup: do you have any idea what those pigs walk on?
Rosetoes6: yes
Rosetoes6: but they take their hooves off
moredownthanup: principle of the thing
moredownthanup: why?
Rosetoes6: i was just curious, i mean you like all that other gross stuff
Rosetoes6: how about pickles? you know, just regular pickles
moredownthanup: i like dill's
moredownthanup: sweet pickles always seemed insincere to me
Rosetoes6: oh good. me tooooooooooooooooooooooo! for both
Rosetoes6: azdvnbl;/jbfuot84 v
moredownthanup: are you having your head banged against the keyboard?
Rosetoes6: yes, claire beats me incessantly
moredownthanup: yeah. she's buff
moredownthanup: haha
Rosetoes6: fuck you. says claire. but not literally
moredownthanup: ah. well, i say "i'm sorry"
moredownthanup: i say that a lot to claire
Rosetoes6: she says bugger off
moredownthanup: (i'm kind of a screw up)
Rosetoes6: just kidding
moredownthanup: i'm not.
Rosetoes6: she says apology accepted
Rosetoes6: NOT
Rosetoes6: no
Rosetoes6: really
moredownthanup: exactly. i told you. i'm kind of a screw up
Rosetoes6: she actually does say she accepts it
Rosetoes6: my pickle loving pal
Rosetoes6: claire made me write it! claire made me write it! claire made me write it! claire made me write it!
moredownthanup: it's funny none the less
moredownthanup: i could say something, but i won't
moredownthanup: wait, yes i will
Rosetoes6: probably a good idea she says
moredownthanup: actually i prefer tacos
Rosetoes6: oh, never mind then
Rosetoes6: wait, that's gross
moredownthanup: god made me write it! god made me write it! god made me write it!
Rosetoes6: god is not a pervert
moredownthanup: prove it
moredownthanup: exactly
Rosetoes6: oh wait, he created men, he is a pervert
moredownthanup: you wanna know why god doesn't do much anymore? because he spends all his time staring at women in showers!
moredownthanup: and claire is jesus
Rosetoes6: yes i know she is
Rosetoes6: she is my savior
Rosetoes6: and god is our father
Rosetoes6: jesus made me write it
Rosetoes6: so did mary
Rosetoes6: and the whole of bethlehem
Rosetoes6: all of them
Rosetoes6: ahhh! they're in my head!
Rosetoes6: save me save me
moredownthanup: take to asprin and call me in the morning
Rosetoes6: dude, it's two
Rosetoes6: "i took her hand and then an aspirin in the morning"
Rosetoes6: eve 6
moredownthanup: dammit
moredownthanup: *two
moredownthanup: i know
moredownthanup: it was an accident
moredownthanup: tell claire not to beat me for it
Rosetoes6: yeah right
Rosetoes6: yeah right
Rosetoes6: good luck hiding
moredownthanup: she knows where i live?
Rosetoes6: yeah
Rosetoes6: geeze\
Rosetoes6: she went to your house
Rosetoes6: i was in the car
Rosetoes6: i think you've gone mental on account of the pickled asparagus
Rosetoes6: asparagus killer!
Rosetoes6: weed whacker
Rosetoes6: lol
Rosetoes6: wait, it comes in stalks, even better. stalk whacker. eww, gross
moredownthanup: do you ever run out of gas?
Rosetoes6: eh?
Rosetoes6: gas?
Rosetoes6: like farts?
moredownthanup: steam
moredownthanup: ballast
moredownthanup: fuel
moredownthanup: you seem awfully self propelled
Rosetoes6: how so? i don't get it
moredownthanup: forget it
moredownthanup: stalk whacker
moredownthanup: geez
Rosetoes6: i thought it was funny
moredownthanup: clearly
Rosetoes6: my social skills are amazing
moredownthanup: ask claire about mine
Rosetoes6: she says not to even go htere
Rosetoes6: there
Rosetoes6: there there
Rosetoes6: there there there
Rosetoes6: t
Rosetoes6: h
Rosetoes6: e
Rosetoes6: r
Rosetoes6: e
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: there
moredownthanup: easy peasey
Rosetoes6: japanesey
moredownthanup: excellent!
moredownthanup: no one ever finishes that
Rosetoes6: it's a gift
Rosetoes6: really
Rosetoes6: oh god i'm peeling
moredownthanup: try lotion
Rosetoes6: no i usually eat my skin
moredownthanup: hmm
Rosetoes6: shalty, yes yesh
moredownthanup: well, now i'm nauseous
Rosetoes6: all i know is that i'm having an amsterdam good time
moredownthanup: whores and opium?
Rosetoes6: yesh yesh
Rosetoes6: i'm from holland, ishn't dat veird?
moredownthanup: geez
moredownthanup: what grade are you in/
Rosetoes6: five hundred and seventh
Rosetoes6: or seventh
Rosetoes6: if you will
moredownthanup: ah
Rosetoes6: i've been to limbo
Rosetoes6: i speak fluet woodchuck
Rosetoes6: fluent
moredownthanup: you watch too many movies
Rosetoes6: i get there through my mirror
Rosetoes6: chucker chuck chuck chucker cucken
Rosetoes6: chucken
moredownthanup: CLAIRE!!!
moredownthanup: CLAIRE!!!!!!
moredownthanup: YOUR SISTER IS SHOWING HER TRUE COLOURS!!!!!!
moredownthanup: SAVE ME!!!!
Rosetoes6: no i swear to god it's sophie
Rosetoes6: oh i mean my father
Rosetoes6: to my father
Rosetoes6: mi faja
moredownthanup: you lost me
Rosetoes6: god says not to be distracted, just answer the fucking question
Rosetoes6: god's waiting
Rosetoes6: and waiting
Rosetoes6: and waiting
moredownthanup: which question, exactly?
Rosetoes6: god is impatient
moredownthanup: 42
Rosetoes6: wrong answer. it was holland.
Rosetoes6: you're fucked
Rosetoes6: yesh yesh yesh. ishn't dat veird
moredownthanup: 42 is always right
moredownthanup: just ask anyone
Rosetoes6: it's not right this time, insolent bastard
moredownthanup: a doug adams fan, for instance
moredownthanup: i'm not insolent, i'm indolent
moredownthanup: big difference
Rosetoes6: i say you're insolent so you are
Rosetoes6: i am god
moredownthanup: are you claires father?
moredownthanup: because otherwise you're just a half jesus
Rosetoes6: no, i'm claire's dad. and her sister
Rosetoes6: and her brother
moredownthanup: are you folks from arkansas?
moredownthanup: or alabama?
moredownthanup: because that would explain the father/brother confusion
Rosetoes6: neither, i'm from heaven
moredownthanup: not the sister bit though
Rosetoes6: ass
Rosetoes6: stick that in you're pipe and smoke iyt
Rosetoes6: it
Rosetoes6: your
moredownthanup: i smoke nothing!
moredownthanup: although i do have a neat pipe
Rosetoes6: bull fucking shit
Rosetoes6: you've gotta smoke something
Rosetoes6: i am god
Rosetoes6: i am right
moredownthanup: god isn't ever right!
moredownthanup: look at how much of his stuff has failed utterly
moredownthanup: he got like 1 thing right ever
moredownthanup: that whole, let there be light bit
Rosetoes6: nothing fails. it all ends up how i want it
moredownthanup: tell that jesus
moredownthanup: tell that to jesus
Rosetoes6: jesus says god is a fucking pervert
Rosetoes6: but i say god is a fucking genius
moredownthanup: glad to know someone is in my court
moredownthanup: if god's so smart, why isn't he rich?
Rosetoes6: i don't want to be rich
Rosetoes6: take that and shove it up your bum bum
moredownthanup: my bum bum shall remain unsullied
moredownthanup: is claire in the vicinity?
Rosetoes6: if you don't shove it up then hitler will
Rosetoes6: i have no recollection of what i just said
Rosetoes6: even jesus agrees
moredownthanup: is jesus in the vicinity?
moredownthanup: because if jesus is, tell her to slip you a valium or something
Rosetoes6: dude, this is jesus
Rosetoes6: it has been jesus
Rosetoes6: the whole fucking time
moredownthanup: then jesus needs a fucking valium too!
Rosetoes6: oh god that fun
Rosetoes6: oops
Rosetoes6: was
moredownthanup: glad you enjoyed yourself
moredownthanup: geez
Rosetoes6: so am i
moredownthanup: what're you, high?
Rosetoes6: no, alas
moredownthanup: don't say alas
Rosetoes6: just drunk
moredownthanup: oh, well that's fun anyhow
Rosetoes6: why not? i like that word?
moredownthanup: i've decided i'm ok with alcohol
Rosetoes6: actually i'm not drunk
Rosetoes6: i'm just manic
moredownthanup: i'm still ok with alcohol

i wasn't going to publish this post. i'll end up with concerned frineds, or offended friends, or both. but anyway, i don't really care. here goes:
_
it's weird how i write compulsively. i'm at helen's house and this will never end up in my journal or anything i'm sure. her keyboard is sticky. i don't like it. it makes it difficult for me to type. looking around i don't want to go home. my house is so cold and uninviting. the disarray her room offers seems strangely welcoming and, in the slightest way, organized in its own peculiar manner. i just read a bit of this book, the last time i wore a dress, it's really good. i like it a lot. i started somewhere near the end and stopped at the last chapter. i'll read the beginning before i finish it. yeah i know. another oddity. i'm full of them. my thoughts are running at five thousand miles an hour. i can't even decide what to put down next and none of the flow together. each consecutive thought has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one. i'm listening to dashboard confessional. i know i bash him all the time, but i really like him. especially a plain morning. and whichever song is playing now. "breathe in for luck" i don't know what it's called but that's something from it. and :"my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me" i hate how i'll know what something is but the name will escape me at the very moment i need it. last night we went to that glbt meeting again. nick is awesome. straight guys are assholes. patrick was really gross last night. i guess it's kind of my fault. i mean i was sort of putting images in his head but i thought he knew i was kidding. i hate it when he's like that. uggh. gross. dicks are sooooooo unappealing. they make me want to vomit. think about it. they are just about the least attractive part of human anatomy. eww. and guys are bastards. i am so stupid. why? because that never stopped me from being with any of them. well, it stopped me from being with a few, but the crown assholes, the most domineering and powerful, those i couldn't escape. their hands as well as their minds. but no more. i'm not that worthless. i needn't surrender to their humiliating desires any longer. i hate them. loathe them. every time i see an old, well i guess flame is appropriate in a few way, so yes, every time i see an old flame i seethe with anger and hatred. every one save sam. but our relationship was all in my mind. i never saw him. i made it up. it was bullshit. i loved a lie. love is stupid. well, no not really. i just get that notion every time i think about sam. maybe i just… i don't know. i don't know much of anything anymore. i'm so confused all the time. i hate it here. here being wherever i am, aside from friends' places and such. i guess i mean by being somewhere i am alone as long as the majority of the other people aren't among my better friends. here, in this room, i am fine. it's strange because ni my house i amn alone, and you wouldn't think it. shouldn't i be close to my family? i'm not that clkose to them at all. mostly we're strangers. they don't know much about me ad i don't know much about them. what i do know make sme not really want to know more. i like them well enough, and i guess i love them. in a familial way, hence they are my family. sophie i like. it's painful watching her grow up. i wish she'd remain young and naïve forever. why should she suffer through this hell? she's such a good kid. she doesn't deserve it at all. she deserves the best the world has to offer. oh well, i guess that's life. she'll fare well enough. i need something. i don't know what i need. my life is penetrated by insanity from all angles. me, my friends, my family, complete strangers… gaaahh! save me! get me away from, here! i don't know what i'm doing. oh god. help me help em. i say that too often. i'm fine. i'll make it. forty-five and i'm done. thirty more years. not even, twenty-nine and one half. that's it for me. over a third of the way through. i can make it. i can. and i will. …at least i hope i will.

Char: yeah my dad gave me this verse. involving like cutting, something "thou" somethnig "thyself", involving cutting and tattooing...
_
Me: thou shalt not cut thyself? thou shalt not tattoo thyself... thou shalt not do anything involving thyself.
_
Char: like eating?
_
Me: thou shalt not eat thyself!
_
Char and me: *insane giggles* *death*

fucking bastard! i hate men.

What kinda of suicidal person are you?
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guys are gross and christmas is stupid.

this guy signed my guestbook. he called me a "fuckin poser bitch" i think. anyway, what i'd like to focus on is "fuckin". it's not even a word. if he's going to try to insult me he should at least spell correctly. i hope he reads this. idiot. and as for the poser part of it, i'm not really sure what he means. to be a poser i'd have to be trying to be something, right? i'm going to assume he's either a skater -because of his vocabulary- or is insecure regarding his own, umm, "punkiness", because in my experience "poser" is used to define people who try to be hardcore but listen to pop-punk and such. so on this point i am confused. i don't try to be a punk. i don't even think i'm a punk. i think punks are stupid as a group anyway, and i don't usually make generalizations, but this one's pretty safe. in fact, i don't think i'm anything aside from myself. labels are just stupid. and as for the "bitch" part, i'm not a bitch. i'd have to be nicer to be a bitch.

yesterday was not a good day. in fact, it wasn't even a bad day. it was a horrible day ...and today wasn't all that much better. yesterday was one of those days when it hurts to smile, and it hurts to hold my eyes open and it hurts to close them, so i can barely keep from crying. it was one of those days when it hurts to breathe, when it hurts to live and to speak and to listen, but mostly it hurts to be miserable and miserable is all i am. today i couldn't speak- i couldn't even open my mouth- without my throat tightening and a sob threatening to burst forth, but at least i could listen. so that's what i did most of the day. i just sat and listened, and nodded from time to time, occasionally interjecting a slightly relevant comment. today i couldn't smile ...at least, not for more than half of a second, but i couldn't really frown either. not that i was trying. i just ...i just wanted to disappear; to go away and never look back. oh god, please take me away.

today was not a good day. it was one of those days. you know, everyone says "it's just one of those days." of course, i'm never exactly sure what they mean, because their "those days" could be entirely different from my "those days". but for me, when i tell people "i'm having one of those days," what i really mean is i'm not really sure why i bothered waking up. in fact i'm not even really sure why i shouldn't just go back to sleep and never wake up again. i mean that everything i thought i'd been living for and everything i'd thought i'd had going for me just completely dissolved through my tears and all that was left was the nasty salty stuff i try to ignore the rest of the time, but since it's "one of those days" i can't wash the salt away. yeah, today was definitely one of those days.

god, i fucking hate myself.

i like to at least think i have control over it, because of past events, so if i'm doing something i "want" to be doing or am sort of toying with the guy then I am the one in control. i don't think this makes much sense, it's kind of hard to explain. but i had just been dominated so much and forced into so many things that i sort of subconsciously decided that if i'm toying them (or i think i am, can convince myself i am) then i am in control and nothing horrible will happen again. it's stupid. i know yeah, well there's also this, umm, "i don't think i deserve someone who would treat me well because i'm not really good for anything other than fucking" block that i can't get rid of. it's not actually that vulgar, but condensed it is.