another thing. because i am obviously intolerant of stupidity, i have further concluded that high school is definitely not the place for me, and i hope to get out of this hell hole as soon as possible.

my english teacher was talking about how money is important even though people say it isn't sometimes. i agree with her on this. it's exciting because we don't agree on that much. and she has poor grammar from time to time. it was especially noticable today. odd. she's an english teacher, she's supposed to speak well. oh well, can't have everything.
_
about money: i think it would be nice if money wasn't so important. in a perfect society there wouldn't be such a strong emphasis on it, or it would just be completely shucked aside, but this is not even close to a perfect society and money is important. those who say it isn't are dreadfully wrong. i wish to, well... something, that it wasn't, but there isn't anything i can do to change the fact that it is, so i just acknowledge and accept that fact. the rest of society should realize it too. IT CAN'T BE CHANGED, PEOPLE! GET A GRIP! ughh, yet another example of the stupidity demonstrated daily. oh, it is so sad.

i am so exhausted. i have been deprived of sleep for days, all my fault of course, and it was mostly worth it. i could have done without a few of the, umm, "events" i suppose. they were all great... at the time. in retrospect, i think i'll end up regretting some of them, and i know i'll repret at least one.
_
uggh. i dislike that about myself. i knew what i was doing had the posibility of going awry, but that didn't stop me. it has a lot to do with the fact that i don't care all that much about what happens to me, but unfortunately i end up hurting other people because i'm kind of careless due to that fact, and i don't like hurting other people. vicious, vicious.
_
i know i said i wanted a girlfriend recently, but i've decided that i don't want a relationship at all. they consume too much of my time, and i since i have very little spare time that isn't a good thing by any stretch of the imagination. i don't even think i want to do hook-ups. err, no, that's the wrong choice of words. i want to have them, i just think (know) that i would be better off without. i wonder how long i'll last. i really have a hard time going for over a month without any action. which is probably a sign that i need to stop. i'll end up a fucking nympho, which i suppose would be a good thing if i end up working in the porn industry for a while. i think i'd rather do pictures than movies though, and for pictures you don't really have to fuck anyone. anyway, back on track, i don't know what to do. i am confused. i miss matt horribly. and i feel guilty about it because i think about him all of the time. i'm serious too. all of the time, in everything i do. it's crappy. (so much for getting back on track.)
_
completely switching tracks, i hate stupid people. the president is stupid. punks are stupid -or, punks over thirty- (the president is not a punk. as i state the obvious) i hate punks over thirty unless they're in a really successful band so they're actually geting somewhere be being irresponsible and gross. (oh the irony!) here i use the word hate. i hate very few things. so know that i am serious about this. i think that all people should have to pass an iq test once they turn 16 and if they don't then they should be killed. erradicate the stupid people!
_
people should also have to take a test to have kids. i mean, has anyone else noticed that the lower the intelligence of a family the more prolific they tend to be? it's soooo screwy. so, if people have to take a test to have kids then only the very inteligent will be able to and they will only be able to have two, unless the second happens to be twins (or triplets, etc.) as long as no fertility drugs are used. this way we will be guaranteed an intelligent race. the ignorant population will die off due a halt in reproduction, and all people 16 and older will actually be competent.

i am hollow. i am numb, save a dull ache in my throat. everything is surreal. i can't think. i can barely breathe. my pillow is soaked with tears, my cheeks stained with streaks of mascara and saline. i am worthless; a toy, a possession. i'm valued nom ore than a pebble kicked along the ground, day after day after painful, sorrowful day.

_i've been betrayed. my heart can't bear the pain, so my body has shut down. the shock of it all hit me in a wave, and took hours to settle out. its edges are still lapping at my soul; teasing me, laughing at my despair.

_i've lost all trust. no longer can i comfortably confide in anyone. my love, my friends ...all are, all are ...lost. nothing will ever be the same. life's cruel realities have put me in my place yet again, they've tightened the choke-hold on my innovcence and naivete, killing the final remnants.

_i no longer suffer any illusions. suffer, ha! if only that had been suffering. oh, what a dreadful irony. why couldn't i have been spared this once? is crushing my very essence part of some divine plan? no, no diabolical scheme could be so treacherous as to crush a young girl's life, while she watches, screaming yet barely breathing. no evil could be so string, so the divine ...never.

_i shuck it to ruthless luck. no other explanation seems plausible. but oh, how i wish for solace.

i talked to a counselor today. it did nothing. mostly wasted time. we established things that i had already established for myself, and she told me things i already knew. grr. frustrating. isn't she supposed to be wise and insightful or something? i rarely get anything out of going to counselors.

i want to be with a girl, and it makes me feel guilty. but lately i've been thinking about it, and i really want to. i feel bad because i have matt, so i feel like i should be happy enough with him. but i still want a girlfriend. grrr!

oh, oh, oh! the most exciting thing! i went to a play at sheldon (that's not the exciting part) and ryland was there. i hadn't seen him in so long. oh, i missed him so much. it was lovely. i have to see him again soon. it was so strange, neither of us were going to go, but then last minute we just decided to. it was fated. i know it. he was living in cali for the past year, and then moved up right before school started. wow. i was speechless. i saw him from across the room and he looked at me, and it was like we were the only two people in the room even though there were dozens of passersby. it was all in slow motion and i walked up to him, and he gave me this huge hug! i missed him so. (sigh).
_
and then when i came home there was a message on the answering machine from chris -this guy i went to orchestra camp with -i was so excited to hear from him. this day has just been wonderful all around. oh, happy day!

well, well, icky, pukey, sick.

cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: so
cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: tell me something
cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: anything at all
cultureinsurgent [7:51 PM]: i've got nothing
cultureinsurgent [7:52 PM]: vent if you want. don't vent if you don't want. still, i'd like to hear something
Kranbeary2 [7:53 PM]: okay. i have some venting. matt is imperceptive and unsympathetic. i really needed him to comfort me today, but he just didn't get it. ass.
cultureinsurgent [7:54 PM]: i'm sorry
cultureinsurgent [7:54 PM]: what did you need comforting about?
Kranbeary2 [7:58 PM]: oh this guy i used to fool around with tears me apart emotionally. every time he calls he's so down that "you're the only person i could call. i need you, claire. i need the sound of your voice. i wanted to kill myself, but i remembered you. help me. everything's going wrong. run away with me claire. we have to be together. you're the only thing that makes me happy. i'll never hurt you, i promise. run away with me. i need you (sob). i need you." of course this makes me cry too.
cultureinsurgent [8:02 PM]: oh god
cultureinsurgent [8:02 PM]: thats awful
cultureinsurgent [8:03 PM]: he could stand to work on how he handles things with you
cultureinsurgent [8:03 PM]: i mean, realistically, you're a good person to listen to him, but he shouldn't be dumping all that exceedingly heavy stuff on you
cultureinsurgent [8:03 PM]: i've done it once to you. and i feel awful about it whenever it comes to mind
Kranbeary2 [8:05 PM]: it's not so bad all the time, but today it just hurt. today wasn't a good day for him to call. and you know what the worst part is? i love him. yeah, that's right. i do. and i fucking hate him just as much.

bloop, bleep, bleeoop.

i am so tired. i'm sitting in the computer lab with leah. free period. it's kind of boring. brian freaked me out at rocky horror. he kept touching me and used that stupid fish line ben used. he also begged to take me and char home because "i have bench seats, come one. please. let me drive you guys. do you have a curfew? please let me take you. it's a big car. please." uggh, it was shitty. i mean, i like him, he's sexy and all, but i have a boyfriend, and it was very diffucult for me. grrrr. oh well, it's good for future reference i suppose. he also mentioned bondage stuff (tee hee!).

that bastard. that fucking bastard.

odd.

hmm.

but i'm happy.

i'm confused.

i am sick of everything.

i miss matt. i need to see him. i bet we'll break up soon, because we see each other so infrequently. that's usually what does it, and he mentioned that it bothers him. fuck.