ok. fucking scary as hell. i was riding the bus on my way to meet matt and cory. this creepy guy who speaks no english comes up and asks for my number and if i speak spanish. i say, "no espanol" and he leaves. then he comes back. he followed me around and onto my bus. he kept trying to hold my hand and was scooting really close to me and he tried to kiss me. he grabbed my fucking legs. i was so scared i was almost crying and this other guy was just laughing. it made me feel so vulnerable because i couldn't get him to stop. and then i found a picture of charlotte and me in my purse. i showed it to him (and my spanish is shit, so don't poke fun) and said, "me gusta chicas. noooo me gusta chicos. [then, pointing to the picture] es mi, es mi novia. mi y mi novia. me gusta chicas." and that didn't do anything and he tried to kiss me again. fuckin' 'ell. do i just scream "hey, i'm a victim, come molest me!!!!!!!"? huh? do i? how many people get this kinda shit? and on a public bus no less. a similar thing happened on halloween, but the guy was courteous enough to tell me his name before feeling me up. it was sam. {ooh, creepy.} and there was that damn guy from the homeless shelter who i saw almost every day and eventually took a bus that got me to the station an hour early just to avoid him. and that creepy stalker guy. why the fuck do they follow me, huh? why the fuck do they follow me? i'm fucking traumatized for life. i'm serious too. too many bad experiences. damn men. have they no sense? do they know what they are doing? i am afraid of men now. i have been for almost a year. be you couldn't tell because i fuck with them so often. i have an inferiority complex around them. i shrivel. i give up. i feel no good. used. dirty. i'm good at standing up for women's rights around women, but men reaaly rule in my life. no, they don't rule, they conquer. and i can't stand it because i hate being belittled by those chauvinistic bastards, but i can't help but surrender in their presence. i hate what they do to me, because they turn me into something i cannot stand to be. a victim. and to make it worse, it's my own fucking fault. it really has to be. i was sobbing when i got off of that fucking bus. now i'm just pissed.

did you know that taking these stupid quizzes relieves depression? well it does for me damnit, so here are a fuckload of 'em. and there will probably be a post after them if my comp doesn't fuck me over.

This quiz says absolutely nothing about your personality. Take it!

tee hee! and these are in order from most percentage to least percentage. (yeah, i have a lot of fucking time. so what!)

I am 69% Tortured Artist

Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com

I am 65% Grunge

I am pretty dirty, all right and, I reek of teen spirit... I would sell my own children for a moldy hotpocket, man.

Take the Grunge Test at fuali.com

I am 64% Goth

Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

I am 60% Punk Rock

The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about?

Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com

I am 58% Ska

Well, maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I shouldn't forget my roots, and remember that punk and reggae wouldn't exist without ska.

Take the Ska Test at fuali.com

I am 48% Emo

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the Emo Test at fuali.com

I am 42% Raver

Well, I may have been to a rave. I probably know a bunch of ravers, but they may think of me as an outsider. That's okay, at least I am not a complete freak.

Take the Raver Test at fuali.com

I am 35% Metal Head

Most other metal-heads acknowledge my presence, but they laugh at me behind my back. Maybe I need to stop spending all that money on haircuts and invest in a few Pantera T-shirts.

Take the Metal Head Test at fuali.com

I am 31% Internet Addict

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com

I am 17% Geek

I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

i got my belly button pierced yesterday. interesting experience. i'd rather my closest friends hear it from me before they hear it from everyone else, which is why i am putting what happened here, you guys being the only people who read this. i'll write it as a story, because i find that easier.
_
yesterday a young girl went to primal to have her belly button pierced. she arrived as soon as the store opened with her sister and mother, and filled out the necessary forms. or rather, her mother filled out the forms, as she is a minor.
after a long debate she chose a ring and headed to the back room, trailing behind the rather tall tattoed and heavily pierced man who was about to shove a surgical steel bar through her belly. the tattoed guy said, "okay, honey, i want you to lie down on this table here, and all i want you to do is to concentrate on your breathing. in through your nose and out through your mouth. take three deep breaths on my count."
one and two were fine. even though the needle was in it didn't hurt; three though, was definitely more painful. "fuck," the girl breathed out as the needle completed its journey.
next came the insertion of the jewelry itself. not very painful. merely a tug.
happy that the piercing hadn't hurt as much as she'd anticipated, she and her entourage wandered to the front desk to purchase the salts and soap with which to cleanse the newest hole in her body.
"so," said the pregnant woman behind the counter, who reeked of cigarettes, "it wasn't that bad. it was fast too."
"yeah, it didn't really hurt."
as their conversation continued the girl's vision began to cloud. she thought, "i'm gonna pass out," looked at her mother as the blood drained from her face, and did.
a few minutes later she woke up on the floor, the tattoed guy grabbing her legs, and "cat scratch fever" running through her head. confused, she looked around. her mother was at her side looking very upset, and her sister was crying. the girl cocked her head at her mother and asked, "oh! did i just pass out?" and started laughing. thoroughly unamused her mother said she had, and when the girl's next question followed, being "was cat scratch fever just playing?" her mother just groaned.
the tattoed guy proceeded to fiddle with her legs, all to the bewilderment of the girl, and then he got a warm wet cloth patted her forehead with it, and then sat her up. he put the cloth on her neck, back, chest [uhhh ...did it really need to go there?] and brought her some water and candy. apparently she needed sugar, and probably wouldn't have passed out if she'd eaten breakfast.
they left the shop, the girl still laughing and her sister still crying, and the girl saw how pale she was in a mirror and was instantly thrilled. "hey mom, do you think i'll stay this color?"
"no."
"grrrr!"
next she will have another hole put in each of her ears, a cartilage piercing at the top of one, and a nose ring. eventually, she thinks, she'll have f-holes tattoed on her back or a little design below her belly button or on her lower back. some people just don't learn from experience do they?
_
well, that was fun.

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for the moment i am better, as for the moment i am stoned. piffle. tee hee, i like that word. i should say "piffle" more often. the door to under the stairs is fun. it swings in and out, but it gets stuck sometimes so you have to pull really hard and then whenit gets loose, you go flying. it's very fun. piffle.

what movie symbolism are you? find out!

summer is really depressing, especially when i'm alone because then my mind starts wandering and i think about strange things. it's a really sad thing, because i know that nothing i do will change the world or have a major impact on anyone else's life. i know this partially because i don't really know what or how i want to go about changing. i feel that something is wrong about the way i'm living and the way the people of my culture are living. i feel that we're living the wrong way because we are living differently from every other thing on the planet. we don't live in harmony with the world. we destroy the world. when we think about survival we think simply of ourselves, and by trying to save ourselves we destroy because we don't know what we're doing. we're living the only way we know how. it's simply the only way we know how to live because our ancestors taught it to us, but it changes as we continue living and people become less and less aware of the environment. i talked to my dad about it and he said, "when i was a teenager i always wanted to know the right way to live. i knew something was wrong, but i didn't know what to do, so i didn't do anything. over time i got used to how the world worked, and now that i'm in my 40s i just tell myself, 'oh, it's not too bad,' even though i'm not satisfied." i don't want to have to get used to it. i don't want to end up in my forties knowing my life has amounted to nothing and be dissatisfied with everything because i've had to simply live with our flawed society with no knowledge of how to change it. i need answers, but i don't know where to find them.
-
this is horrible. i discovered another thing to prove that we don't know what we're doing. a study on insomnia showd that people have more trouble sleeping due to advances in technology causing a higher accident and death rate. if technology is killing us off, what is the advantage? (i, the hypocrite, say as i type away, doing nought but complain.) but honestly though, i would be happy with a pen and paper, but since more people see this then maybe my message will get across. okay not many more people see this, i'm just a stupid fucking sheep. but if i stop using the computer nothing will h appen. my parents and sister will still use it. my mother will do bank transactions, my father will look at porn, and my sister will do god only knows what. i'm a fucking hypocrite. i hate this. i am so fucking depressed right now.
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speaking of depression, i think i am immortal. i don't know how many times i've tried to kill myself, but they haven't worked. a whole fucking bottle of pills and i don't even wake up with a headache. blood all over and then in the morning it's gone. what the hell? next time i'm serious i'll slit my fucking throat and jump off of a building after downing a bottle of aspirin and vodka. or maybe i'll just live the way i am. i'm practically dead anyway. fuck. why do i do this? who the fuck cares? i'm just venting to the fucking black hole of technology. nobody cares about anything. if they don't get what they want, if they don't get that fucking raise, that fucking light, they curse the world. well it's their own goddamn fault for giving up, i hate those people. but i am giving up too. i'm not gonna die today or tomorrow, but i sure as hell am not going to live either. this life is not worth living. i hate the fucking world. i hate our fucking culture. i just wish i could rise into the stars and shine forever. a life that people would marvel over, yet take for granted. a life people would acknowledge yet ignore. i would be apprecated and loved. i would be studied. i would be beautiful. i wouldn't have to deal with all the stupid people and all their stupid questions. i could just be. shine. be beautiful.
-
what the fuck am i talking about? who gives a fuck about the stars. we're only going to destroy them after we've finished here. there is no point to continuing our culture. hey, that can be my reason for never having children. i don't want to support this misery. i don't want to bring a person into this world where nobody cares. i don't want my children to learn to destroy. i don't want my children to grow up in this filth and disappointment. i don't want my children to never be satisfied. i don't want to increase this sorry population. i just want my entire culture to die off. and not slowly, but over night. and i want to be the last person to die so i can witness the destruction of the destroyers. i want to be the last person of my culture to die so that i will know we can never hurt again. i want to be the last fucking person of my miserable culture to die so that i can die happy. i am never fucking happy so i don't think that's too much to ask. but then i'm being selfish. fuck it. if we don't die then the world is doomed. we're all fucking doomed. maybe i should just blow up the world.

oooohhhhh! ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i went to the country fair. much much fun. i got my breasts painted, ran into a couple of friends, and got $20 worth of pot free. i am happy. it was so fucking cool. i may work there next summer.

1.5 guys per month. damn. my average is moving up.

it has come to my attention that a few of my friends don't like matt because he's a jerk and sexually harrasses girls. i'm sorry. i like him because he's fucking awesome to screw around with.

I got home today from camp. the first few days were miserable, and then the last few were enjoyable. the very last night had a creepy ritual and then i got all depressed because "i miss your purple hair, i miss the way you taste" (damn that song), and someone had written "i love sam" on a table (fuck them too). what made the camp bad was that there were a couple hot girls who were very straight, one REALLY CUTE COUNSELOR WHO WAS ANNOYING AS HELL AND TO TOP IT OFF HAS A GIRLFRIEND, AND THEN ONE SEXY GIRL COUNSELOR WHO IS JUST A MORON. the good part was cheshire. he's awesome, but i'm gonna miss him. because of these factors, i was left horny and with no possibility of action until i came home. well, i am home ...and nothing has happened. i will see some guy soon i hope. if not, i'll have to find one, or a girl, but guys re easier and it's hard to tell if girls swing that way or not. i'm dying here. (of course, everyone is technically dying from the moment they are concieved, but to some death just happens faster.)

the funny thing is, yesterday i was complaining about only having fooled around with two guys, and then matt came along. isn't that great? well fine, but it is for me. and another thing, today's horoscope said that i should get plenty of exercise, and then matt came along and i did. boy, he just made my day didn't he? hell, he made my week, but i am a little worn out and sore. damn it was fun though. very fun. (sigh) mmmm.

i smell like sex. ughh. i like it, but i keep thinking my parents will notice. i notice when someone smells like sex a lot of the time, of course the two main things on my mind are sex and pot during the summer. during school they're not as prominent, even on the weekends. and no, laurakimiali, i did not fuck matt. and, laurakimiali, it is NOT matt w. fine, maybe by definition because we did "engage in sexual activity," but we did not have sexual intercourse. sorry. i recently talked with my father, or rather he talked at me, about how going down on someone is still sex even though "the penis is not penetrating the vagina". i am so glad my dad, being in the medical profession, is one of the few men who can say vagina -or penis for that matter- without snickering and then bursting into insane giggles like some prepubescent nit-wit. so i guess by my father's standards we had sex, but i say we didn't. i could have, i almost did, but i didn't. laurakimiali can be happy that i didn't fuck him. three cheers for me.

charlotte: so, what's you do at matt's house?
me: umm, corey watched tv. hee hee. (<-- innocent giggle.) ;-)
charlotte: no, what'd you guys d- ...never mind, i don't wanna know.

once upon a time there was a little girl whose sole purpose, whose goals, dreams, and heart revolved exclusively around love. more specifically the idea of love. she listened to sappy love songs, watched romantic movies, and laughed and cried with the people in them. "that is who i want to be. the feeling i get from these is so incredible; beyond description. the most wonderful and euphoric feelings flow through these melodies, as it does through my heart. i cannot wait for true love of my own."
this little girl grew to be a young woman, and by the time she reached 14 she was tired of love. she had been torn apart too many times. she had loved and lost. she had lain whimpering as her heart was burned and the ashes swept away with the wind, too weak with overwhelming sorrow to do anything but stare. she hated love and everything about it, but most of all she hated men.
her immense hatred carried out into the rest of her life. everywhere she found reminders, everywhere she found love and happiness, and her selfish hatred caused by broken hearts helped her find ways to despise the world and all of its people. she used boys and men because she knew she could get away with it. breaking their hearts helped to console her own. and then she met a boy, a boy beyond compare. her heart was again whole and bursting with love for him. he was everything to her, and she the same to him. her little girl fantasies had come true in this one boy, and once again her world existed only for love.
this renewed bliss made her life seem a heaven, the end of this she couldn't see. love songs filled her silence, and love enveloped her in a wild passion.
but as time went on distance pulled them apart. though they still loved each other their relationship came to an end. this tore the girl up so much. her dreams had been shattered once already, and a second time was too much to bear. vowing never to love again she shut down her heart, but she could not turn off her love for that boy. she would see him and burst into tears, begging "a kiss, please. just one more. i still love you so much."
the pain from this loss was deeper than any other she had ever known. but eventually she began to realize that she would always love him and that it shouldn't be a burden. she again lost herself in the idea of love, but this time it was different. this time she no longer yearned for the experience. the feeling and idea of love filled her with the same joy she had felt while in love, but now she would not be hurt. her world existed perfectly and solely for the idea of love. there she could love and be loved without pain

i just took some quizzes. see if you notice a trend.

You're LUST! Sex, sex, sex! It's all you think about! You're not opposed to having more than one boy/girlfriend, and you're very flirtatious. You're represented by the color blue.

Which Kiss Are You?

Find your emotion!

good news charlotte. i will recieve prices from scott and that guy i talked to online very soon.

i fucking hate this. i hate this. it hurts so much. i should be over it by now. why can't i be over this? i love him so much. i love him and i can't let go.

i miss sam so much. i can't stand it. he is in all of my dreams. i even see him when i'm awake, floating through my thoughts. sometimes i feel him beside me and then i turn and he's not there. it tears me up. i want to shrivel up and sleep in a dazed fantasy of me and sam together forever. i miss him so much. oh god, i miss him and i love him. will this torture never end?