the floor is falling!! the floor is falling!!!!!!!!!!!!

blurry. purple elephants. movies is fake. ...elephants? no: bloody helicopters. is the room spinning or am i spinning? amphetamines and jelly beans. elephants and amphetamines. elamphetamines? elephants and worcester sauce. winchesterton. winchestertonfieldsville. the fields of winchesterville. elaphant crackers in my soup. no, animal crackers. i don't even have soup. black hawks? oh. helicopters. i get it. spinning? what the fuck? and where did the elephants come from? black. no light. flying frogs. claire is gone.

my incense that i just bought smells so good. i think it may have weed in it. it's "herbal mask" incense, the scent is "herbzotica" it has pot leaves all over the cover of it, it says "burn frequently to promote happiness, relaxation, and well being" and "relax and float with your dreams".

i am wide awake and it is 2:40 in the fucking morning. insomnia. oh god. why? oh well, i should be used to it by now.

please.

kill me now.

why the fuck did he remember my make up?

another thing about sam, he remembered a lot of little things about me. my phases, make up, pillows, things i said to him in december. oh god. why? why? why? if he didn't care then he wouldn't remember, right? but if he cares why did we break up? it makes it even worse. i wish he wasn't nice to me. i wish he didn't care. i wish he was a horrible person.

i decorated my room today; something had to change. it's, ummmm, one could say "colorful" or "artistic" so as not to be offensive. it's actually not that bad, but if i eventually get tired of it i cannot change it because some of it is paint that isn't the sort of paint that can be covered up with a few brush strokes. i should stop doing radical things every time i have an emotional crisis.

i dedicate this song to sam. it's by weezer.

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face

I just made love with your sweet memory
One thousand times in my head
You said you loved it more than ever
You said

You remain turned away
Turning further every day

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face

I talked for hours to your wallet photograph
And you just listened
You laughed enchanted by my intellect
Or maybe you didn't

You remain turned away
Turning further every day

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face

You remain, turned away
Turning further every day

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place, an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face

Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe?

Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe what I sing now?
Do you believe?

"i just made love with your sweet memory one thousand times in my head"
i saw sam several times, but only got a kiss and a few hugs. our day together was sabotaged by kevin, though not out of malicious intent, simply loneliness so i can't be too upset; i understand how he feels. it was torture seeing sam. he stood there, and i was staring at him and i couldn't help but kiss him, and then i was really depressed because everything came back. i could feel him again and i was aching for more, the rest of the day i was shaking and i couldn't look at him. it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest and smashed to pieces while i stood helpless, whimpering as i watched and slowly wasted away into nothing. my heart broke all over again. that shouldn't be able to happen. isn't once enough? isn't it enough to go through that hell once? i can't do it again. i will die if i do. and later that day he said he loved me. it was in front of a bunch of people and he wasn't serious, but it hurt so much because i still love him. hw was so nice to me, and flirty, and i caught him checking me out several times, and i almost died. it was so incredibly painful to see him looking at me like that and know that no matter what i do i will never be with him again. he was one of the last people i saw as i left. i went to hug him and he held me so close and so tight. we stood embracing for so long, and then i had to let go. as i left i started sobbing. how can i still love him so much? i don't understand. when i came home his picture was sitting on my bed. that was too much for me. i started crying again, and i'm crying right now. i doubt i'll ever see him again, i want him back so badly and my body aches for his, but if i ever do see him we'll just be friends, and i will be just as i am now. a pathetic mess of tears, anger and confusion. but if i don't see him i don't know what i'll do. i want him in my life and he isn't. he is so important to me, and i'm not important to him and that kills me. that fills me with such deep despair that i lose the desire to live. i lost the desire to love because of him. i cannot love anymore. i can't love anyone... except for him.

i still love you sam. i still love you. so much. i love you so much it hurts.

"all i wanna hear is your voice"

mr. conway sent me a birthday card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy!!! someone remembered my birthday :-). yippeeee!!!! i am so incredibly happy! mr. conway is great! only one other person has sent me a card, and they spelled my name wrong because they were probably stoned when they sent it (i have a great family). he sent me a card! i got a card! i got a card!!!! i got a card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yippeeeee! yippeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guess what i'm gonna do tonight? have kinky lesbian sex. and guess what i'm doing this weekend? i'm gonna, ummm, see sam!!!!!!

I’m seein red
Don’t think you’ll have to see my face again
Don’t have much time for sympathy
Cuz it never happened to me
You’re feelin blue now
I think you bit off more than you could chew
And now it’s time to make a choice
And all I wanna hear is your…
So follow the leader down
Swallow your pride and drown when there is no place left to go maybe that’s when you will know
And foolish lies
Well can’t you see I tried to compromise
But what you say ain’t always true
And I can see the tears in your eyes
And what you said now
Can’t stop the words from running through my head
And what I’d do to get through to you
But you’d only do it again
So follow the leader down
Swallow your pride and drown
When there is no place left to go
Maybe that’s when you will know I confess,
I don’t know what to make from all this mess
Don’t have much time for sympathy
But it never happened to me
You’re feelin down now
I don’t know where I’ll be when you come around
And now it’s time to make a choice
And all I wanna hear is your voice

i'm a fucking nut case

i found this thing on eating disorders. i have high-lighted everything i have.

When Eating (or Not) Becomes Your Drug

Linda Sherman, Psy.D., MFCC, RD

Which of these people has an eating disorder?
Eats so many French fries that she wants to throw up, then actually does.
Skips breakfast and lunch and eats just a small salad with vinegar dressing for dinner.
Indulges in a hot fudge sundae (four scoops of ice cream, fudge, whipped cream and cherry) every night for a week.
Under certain circumstances, all of the above behaviors could potentially indicate an eating disorder.

Onset of an Eating Disorder
An eating disorder may begin as innocently as someone starting a diet in order to lose those few extra pounds. But slowly, without even noticing, the diet begins to take on a life of its own and the well-intentioned dieter just keeps on losing weight. At other times, it starts with an episode of overeating that leaves the eater feeling uncharacteristically happy and calm. As a result, overeating, followed by an all-out purge, becomes a regularly scheduled event in order for the binge eater to maintain her newfound state of tranquility.

Whatever the mode of onset, someone with an eating disorder will have abnormal behaviors and thoughts related to food and eating. The illness interferes with day-to-day living in the short term, and can lead to serious health problems in the long run. In some cases, an eating disorder can result in hospitalization and even death.

Who Is Likely to Get an Eating Disorder?
More than five million Americans suffer from eating disorders. Although the illness tends to affect women more often than men: about five percent of women of all ages and about one percent of men have an eating disorder. It is a good bet, however, that there is some underreporting among the male population, due at least in part to men's reluctance to admit to having a "woman's disease." While the media may play a role in the development of an eating disorder, especially for women, it is not solely responsible. Other factors (i.e. addiction issues, a history of abuse, emotionally unavailable parents, and low self-esteem) are usually also present, and can cause one to be especially susceptible to the media's powerful influence. Billboards, magazines, and television shows feature beautiful women with slender-to-ultrathin bodies who are successful, funny, popular, and feel good about themselves. It stands to reason that if we looked like them, we would be all of those desirable things, too. Of course, this is not the case.

The eating-disordered individual will never reach that elusive skinny, happy place. Food may enable them to temporarily cope with life's complex problems, but one must look beyond just the refrigerator to find long-term solutions.

Types of Eating Disorders
There are basically three types of eating disorders. Signs and symptoms of each are listed below:

1. Anorexia nervosa

Significant weight loss or failure to gain weight (less than 85 percent of normal weight for height).
Denial of the seriousness of weight loss or a low body weight.
Loss of menstruation or delayed onset of a women's period.
An intense fear of gaining weight, even when underweight.
Evaluating self-worth by the weight that registers on the scale.
Distortion of self-image, like looking in the mirror and thinking "I look fat."
Low body temperature, such as feeling cold and wearing layers of clothing when it is hot outside and other people are in tank tops.
Dry skin.
Fine hair that appears or increases on the body in order to provide warmth.
Low blood pressure and a low heart rate.
Approximately one thousand women each year die of anorexia nervosa.

2. Bulimia nervosa

Binge eating is defined as eating an unusually large amount of food within a certain period of time while feeling out of control. Binges are characterized by three or more of the following:
eating more rapidly than normal
eating until feeling uncomfortably full
eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry
eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating
feeling disgusted, depressed, or very guilty after overeating
Purging (including vomiting, laxative use, diuretic use or the use of enemas to prevent weight gain) or fasting or exercising excessively to prevent weight gain.
An overconcern with body shape and body weight.
Dental enamel erosion and cavities.
Swelling of cheeks, hands, and feet.
Abdominal fullness, constipation, or diarrhea.
Abrasions on knuckles from putting a hand in one's mouth to assist with vomiting.
Headaches.
Fatigue.

3. Eating disorder not otherwise specified

This means a person has some symptoms and behaviors that are characteristic of an eating disorder, but they are lacking an essential symptom and/or the symptoms do not meet the required level of severity to be diagnosed with either anorexia or bulimia. Examples of situations that fall within this category include these:

Those with a binge eating disorder who participate in binge eating, yet do not purge.
Those who rarely or never binge, yet purge what is considered by them to be a fattening food.
Those who chew and spit out food.
An anorexic who has lost a great deal of weight, yet is still within the normal weight range and/or continues to menstruate.

How to Get Help
Eating disorders require help from professionals in the medical and mental health fields. Talking to your friends, while helpful, is simply not enough. A good place to start to look for more help is your high school and/or college counseling center. Services are typically free, and if need be, these centers can refer you to a health-care professional trained in treating eating disorders. Another option is to contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. At no cost to you, they will help you find support groups in your area, as well as directly refer you to a trained professional.

As a final note, remember that the drDrew.com community is always here to listen. Know that you are not alone and that recovery is possible with the right treatment and support.

© 2001 drDrew.com, Inc. All rights reserved.

i am so scared.

i was lying on my bed talking to charlotte and i rolled over and this dull ache became very apparent in my right breast, kind of like it was bruised. i checked and saw nothing, so i felt it and i found a lump in my breast. so i thought, "maybe it's supposed to feel like this," trying to be optimistic, but there is no lump in my left breast. at that point i got off of the phone with charlotte, giving her some lame ass excuse because i didn't want to tell her how incredibly scared i was in case it turned out to be nothing. my mother says that it could simply be because i am on my period, but it also could be really serious so to keep checking on it. i am so scared. oh god, please help me; please let me be alright.

everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine. nothing is wrong. aww, fuck it. everything is wrong. everything is WRONG. EVERYTHING IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

this i sort of random, but here's my paper on abortion:

The topic I chose is abortion. Abortion is a very controversial issue, and violent arguments have occurred, sometimes resulting in death. The irony of that is the "pro-lifers" were the ones doing the killing. I do not agree with murder, but I do not see abortion as murder. Yes it takes a life, but that life had not yet begun, and in many cases the child would be better off unborn. As a student, a child, a victim, a girl, and a woman, as myself, I support abortion; I support the woman's right to choose.
_
I would like to begin by addressing the issue of rape. These circumstances are simply one side of my argument. Rape itself is a traumatizing event, and if it results in pregnancy could be harder to deal with. Without the option of abortion that child is a nine-month reminder of that horrific event. Depending on how violent the rape was the mother and/or child has the possibility of not making it through the birth. Then, if the child survives, there is the question of the child's upbringing. If the child is kept, they will at some point want to know who their father is, and if they are put up for adoption they may feel abandoned. The father question would be difficult to address without suffering for the mother, and some confusion for the child. It is also likely that it will come up in conversations with other people, which would make the trauma last even longer. Some people are strong enough to handle all of this. I am not saying that all impregnated victims of rape should have an abortion; I am just saying that the option should be there.
_
If the option is not there legally women will try to perform their own abortions or have it done illegally. Both of these options can lead to infection, serious injury, or death in the woman. If they are not successful the child can be left with deformities or infections, which could lead to the mother never being able to have children at the time when she is ready and able to start a family.
_
Another reason I am in support of abortion is the fact that so many mothers are incapable of raising a child. They are children. They are addicts. They are simply irresponsible. In the case of the addict, the child becomes addicted to drugs while in the uterus and has to be weaned off of them. If the mother is very dependent on her drugs, then she may neglect or abandon the child, which can cause unnecessary suffering. The child would be better of having not been born. The mother is not capable of providing adequate care. Neither is a teen mother. She has no time for a baby. There is school and her future to worry about. By having a child she has ruined her future and her baby's future. The child of a child. It's a sad thing. "We have so many young mothers, and addicts, and horrible people in our unit who come in, they should have never had a kid. I know that people make bad choices sometimes, but it shouldn't affect a child. The babies I take care of are very sick, often because of their parents' life style or age. Those people shouldn't have children and it makes me very sad when my babies have to go home to those families. I think that abortion should be there because sometimes I am relieved when one of our babies dies because of the horrible life it would have had at home. Some people just aren't meant to have kids." Irresponsible people are not fit to raise children either. They have their own life and they don't care. The possibility of abuse is high; neglect is inevitable. A child is an unwanted burden to them, and they will not take responsibility for it. If the child is lucky, the state will take it away and it will live in a foster home or be adopted, but this would happen after the child is older and people have become worried. If they do it at all, that is. If the child remains in that household the cycle will repeat itself. A menace from a menace through suffering causes suffering.
_
Some people say that abortion is murder. They say that it is wrong and immoral. They say that the life of the fetus should not be taken, but in many cases life after birth is not glamorous. Sometimes there is no life after birth. Sometimes women kill their children after they are born, or have abortions done illegally, or attempt to perform their own. Sometimes the children are better off never being children.
_
This is why I am in support of abortion; why I support the woman's right to choose. I am also in support of responsibility and growing up. I am also in support of success and a good life. A child with a child has no future. A victim of rape cannot forever block out the past. The neglected child, the abused child, the addict child, are all better off never coming in to this cold world. Abortion shouldn't be seen as murder; abortion can save a life. Maybe not in the mortal sense, but by providing a bright future for a girl, a victim, a woman, by providing an unborn child with the peace of remaining unborn and not being brought into a harsh and unforgiving place, that's far from taking one life. It's saving two.

i have given up on interplay. i don't have enough time.

i just ran for a bit. i feel really good. and i had a lot of coffee. yummmmmmmm ;-) my mommy threw out my coffee yesterday, but that's okay; it's not a big deal. i also made some cookies. i won't eat any. i just like making them and watching other people eat them. i feel like it's a good test of will power because i really like cookies and i know that these cookies are good because everybody always likes them. i can't eat them though because it is such an incredible feeling. it's better than any high, and i'm serious. which should mean something coming from me because i really like herb. not eating them just makes me feel really strong. i should probably work out some more later. this is gonna be a good day.
_
i'm listening to counting crows again. that makes me feel good too. yesterday was kinda bad because i was upset about not being able to see keenan because he is one of my best friends. his dad is such a flake. he always cancels plans. but in nine more months keenan can drive out here by himself and he can drive me around too because he's my cousin, therefore we are relatives. then i will be able to see keenan more often. i really miss him. which is why i put in counting crows. they are the best band in the entire world. or at least they used to be. their new stuff is shit. i am in love with august and everything after though. that is the best cd. in my opinion. if you don't like it that's perfectly okay. i mean, charlotte totally loves good charlotte and i don't like them that much. i pretend i hate them more than i do just to make her whimper, which is sort of mean because i don't think she knows i'm kidding all the time. it's still funny sometimes. what can i say? i'm a sadistic bitch.

typical family: "have fun at the mall honey! invite one of your friends over for dinner."

my family: "don't shoplift and don't get arrested or pregnant. if you're not coming home, call before we go to bed."

i talked to cody until about one o'clock this morning. it was horrible because for whatever reason he couldn't drop the fact that i don't want a boyfriend and then i had to go through this huge explanation. after not being satisfied with that he had to ask even more questions like, "why don't you trust guys?" and "how are you not stable enough to have a boyfriend?" and "why can't you just give me a chance?". well okay. i know he is a guy so this must be hard for him to grasp simply because of that little fact. why would someone not want a relationship? that is so weird. uhh, no it's not. breaks are nice. especially when i am a complete emotional wreck. especially when i can't trust men very easily. and when you don't drop the subject until i'm sobbing on the other end of the phone, and even then pursue it until i have spilled my guts with all of the horror stories and am shaking so horribly because i can't cry anymore but am now just scared to death that i may have to go through everything all over again. and then he said that he loved me. and he said he was serious. and that scared me even more. love is stupid, irrational and painful. i never want to fall in love ever again. not after sam. i can't do it. and cody seems nice and all, but i am not ready to have a relationship with anyone. i'm afraid of cody to tell you the truth. i know that's stupid because he has always been nice to me, but he reminds me of this horrible guy who was nice to me until i got with him and then he hurt me. he hurt me so much. i can't even describe the pain because it wasn't just physical. i'm so scared. and i feel so horrible because i know i hurt cody, but there's nothing i can do to change the fact that it is hard for me to trust men. if only he could understand. if he had been through all that i have then maybe he could. and i am not trying to make myself sound like a victim. i take care of myself well enough. sometimes things just get out of hand and sometimes people do stupid things. i just don't want to risk it again. i can't take it. i'll break. and that's worse than dying. that is so much worse than dying.

and i know i said that intolerance bothers me, but irrational things bother me more. and as far as intolerance goes, i was referring to with people and ignorance. any sort of prejudice. that kind of intolerance. i don't think that my not liking things that are irrational is bad. if other people do i won't not like them, and that's what is important. people have their own beliefs and that's ok.

i thought of another irrational thing. there are plenty i know, but this one i have to live with. or i don't have to, but i choose to. and it bothers me. it's almost like i can't control it, but i can, though it may be hard to sometimes. can you guess it? i'm talking about my eating disorder. i figure that at least i can admit that i have one, and that means i'm closer to not having one. but that's a lie too, because i knew what i was doing when i started. it's so stupid. i, of all people, should be able to get past something like that. i got past my stupid childhood fears; i should be able to get over an eating disorder. how hard can it be? i've only been battling it for a year and a half, so it can't be that bad. [please tell me you detected the sarcasm. if you didn't, you are stupid.] at any rate, i WILL get over it in due time. it is a completely irrational thing, and my intolerance for such things should drive me faster to it's termination. I WILL CONQUER IT ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!

would you like to hear something totally pathetic? well, probably not, but i'm gonna put it in here anyway. i still miss sam. to me this seems really sad. but i was in love with him, and i had never been in love before, so it does make a little bit of sense. and it's not like i miss him so much that it hurts, it's just that occasionally something reminds me of him, or i think, "sam would really like that", or i simply want to see him again. but it's not heart-wrenchingly devastating. there's simply a little tugging every now and then. it almost makes me happy. or maybe it doesn't and i am just telling myself that every time, because it sometimes makes me feel like crying. and i guess one could say they are happy tears, but they're not. and i can't really be happy and sad at the same time can i? hmmm.
_
i suppose it's possible, because i almost always feel like crying. even if i am completely satisfied and having the time of my life i feel like cying. that probably means that something isn't right. chemically i mean, because i don't make myself feel like that. that would be irrational, and irrational things bother me. like fear. fear bothers me. phobias? come on people. you're doing it to yourself. but anyway, because of that it wouldn't make sense that i would give myself that horrible feeling, so it must be chemical. my doctor mentioned my serotonin levels being out of whack, and that would do it right? i guess i'll just live with it. i hate stupid meds. it's not horrible anyway, it's simply there. and because it's such a little thing and doesn't cause me that much grief i may as well not think about it.

the duke is going to kill christian

i just gave my sister corn rows. i'd never done it before, so they came out a lot better than i expected. they look pretty cute actuallly.

my father was really mean to me yesterday. oh well. i forgave him. it is father's day. even if he was being a jerk. daddy was nice today though. at least he was nice today.

they should film us for a day. never a dull moment in the life of we.

charlotte is spending the night and after dinner we were supposed to clean the kitchen. my sister brought out a cap gun and she was shooting me and i was convulsing on the floor and it was really fun. and then we attacked each other with spatulas and i was laughing like i was really stoned. oh god it was great.

enjoy your new sex life

As of June 14, 2002 at 20:49:03 EST, Dubya will be in office for another:

2.610 years or
33.93 months or
135.74 weeks or
950.17 days or
22,804.2 hours or
1,368,250.9 minutes or
82,095,057 seconds

He has 65.04% of his term left

i just finished running, but it was embarrassingly short, so i won't tell you the distance. it felt good though, even if it was pitiful.

i really need to work out today. i hope i will have enough time after cleaning my room, the house, and my snake cage. i also need to practice my cello. i'm sure i will have time though. and maybe i can get started on interplay (the book on interpersonal communication).

last night i looked through all the text books we have left over from when my parents last went to college, and i found one on interpersonal communication. it seems pretty interesting. i have decided to read it and do worksheets on each chapter. i typed up questions and activities using the chapter summary and made a list of key terms to identify. i wanted to learn about interpersonal communication anyway, and this way i will have something to do in my down time at home.

i cannot believe that school is over. i want to be in school. i feel like i should be doing homework. maybe i'll teach myself calculus this summer. and i'll try to keep up on spanish so i don't flunk next year.

sorry, i just watched a night at the roxbury.

hey! did you just grab my ass?

what does it take to make them understand that i DON"T want a boyfriend right now? i just want to be friends with them. they're wonderful guys, i really like them, but i just do not want a relationship. nothing against them. if i were ready for commitment, i would be with one of them, but i just need a break.

"i wonder, is there anything i'm gonna miss, how's it going to be when you don't know me, how's it going to be when you're sure i'm not there ...?"

i went to my old elementary school today. that was really difficult for me. i saw my favorite teacher and i just started crying. i didn't think i missed anything, but i do. oh i do so much. and i saw some of my friends and my heart hurt so badly. i couldn't stand it. i kept thinking, "will they remember me? is this the last time i will ever see them? how could i have just forgotten everything?" i have to get back together with some of them. maybe i'll take ms. holben out to coffee. i miss everyone so much i can barely stand it. sure a lot of bad things happened out there, but so many good things did too; i just forgot about them. i want to go back. this is killing me. i feel like my heart is broken. i'm sobbing right now as i'm typing this. i shouldn't have gone. i would be fine if i had just stayed home. oh god, please help me get through this.

well, not really. i just feel like i'm using cody, but he knows i don't want a boyfriend. he does. i told him. just because he chooses to ignore it ...

i am a horrible person.

sorry, that was random

everyone knows the moon is made of cheese

did anyone else notice a trend here?

here's a script i typed up from a costa rican fairytale. it's part of my final. i took a few liberties in case you can't tell.

The Lucky Table ~adapted by Diamond Rhoads and Charlotte Madden (small liberties taken.)
(Costa Rica)

Characters:

Narrator
Widow/Mother
Elder son
Bobo
Boy in marketplace
Cow
Robber 1
Robber 2 (Tomas)
Robber 3 (Paco)
Robber 4 (Perico)

Narrator: Once upon a time in Costa Rica, there lived a widow and her two sons. Her youngest son was called a bobo, meaning he had no concept of money and spent it frivolously and without care. They were a poor family, but they managed to get along fairly well despite the youngest son’s problems with money. Finally there came a year in which everything went wrong, their crops died, their animals ran away, nothing was working out, until eventually they only had one hope.

Widow/Mother: Sons, come here. I want you to take this cow into the village and sell her. Do not accept anything less than the highest price, no matter who you are selling it to. This is our only hope to make it through this year.

Bobo: Don’t worry Mamá, we’ll get more pesos for her than you ever dreamed of.

Narrator: The next day the two boys set off towards the marketplace, the cow trailing behind them on a rope.

Elder Brother: I must run an errand for Mamá, so I must leave you in charge of the cow. Remember what she told us, nothing but the highest price!

Narrator: Soon after the brother left, a small boy came along carrying a table. He recognized the widows youngest son, and thought he could try to scam him out of the cow, being the malicious little boy that he was.

Boy in marketplace: Hey there! What are you doing with that sorry looking old cow. I bet you couldn’t even get so much as a handful of beans for her.

Bobo: Why not? Anyway, I’d settle for simply one of those beans my cousin Jack from England received for his cow.

Boy: Is that so? {stroking chin and looking as devious as possible} Well, I ...I have this table!!! Why YES, of course, this TABLE!! It’s a magic table, and would be willing to offer it to you for that scrawny sack of bones you have there.

Bobo: But my mo--

Boy: I guarantee this is the best offer you will receive for something as pathetic looking animal.

Cow: {offended} MOOOO!!!!!

Bobo: Well, if it’s really a magic table ...

Boy: DONE! {turn and leave and then the next line mutter to audience} What a fool he is! This cow is an incredible specimen of bovine perfection!

Cow: {flutter eye lashes and cuddle up to the boy, and then flirtingly say:} Mmmooooo.

Boy: Whoa! I think we should take it a little slower. It’s not that I don’t think you’re a beautiful cow, but we did just meet.

[Boy and cow leave.]

Narrator: Anyway, back to the story.

Elder Brother: I see that you have sold the cow.

Bobo: Yes, wait until you see what we got for her! I got this table. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a MAGIC table.

Elder Brother: What! A table!

Bobo: Yes! A magic table. You know, it’s magical like fairies.

Elder Brother: There are no such things as fairies, and this is NOT a magic table. That merchant over there sells these tables for four pesos.

Bobo: You’re so horrible. Well, I want to keep the table anyway. I’ll even carry it home.

Narrator: So, for the second time that day the two brothers set off, only now with a table instead of a cow. On their way home they had to pass through a dark forest. They reached the forest just as it was beginning to get dark and the evil queen had begun to poison her apple, because she knew the dwarves would be gone. Oh, sorry, wrong fairytale. Hmm, they entered the forest and decided to climb a tree for protection and stay the night there.

Bobo: a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p-

Elder Brother: Shh! Do you hear that?

Bobo: No.

Elder Brother: I hear someone coming, I think they’re robbers. Sit still and shut up!

[Robbers enter. Tomas, Paco, and Perico assemble themselves around Robber 1.]

Robber 1: Here are our gold pieces, I will divide them up, ten for Paco, ten for me, ten for Perico, ten for me, ten for Tomas, ten for me, ten for ...

Bobo: {to brother} The table is slipping.

Brother: Just hold on ...

Bobo: {weepy} I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go. {surprised} Oh, whoops! Slipped. There she goes.

Paco: OH!

Perico: MY!

Tomas: GOODNESS!!

Robber 1: Run!

[Robbers leave in stupid terror.]

Bobo: I think they’re gone.

Brother: Oh that’s good. Look! They left their treasure. Let’s go get it.

Narrator: They climbed down and gathered the treasure, then headed towards home. As their mother saw them approaching she ran out to them. They showed her all of their treasure and she was overjoyed. They lived for a while after that, and then eventually died as most people do. The bobo remained a bobo, and treasured his table all his life until it was split into the wood for his coffin, and then he treasured it in death. The elder brother just laughed.

damnit, now it's all fucked up. anyway that up there was supposed to say passionate and be the results to a quiz, but it didn't work. oh well

posted by Diamond at 8:36:00 PM

here is a poem i found :

"Some nights poetry is not enough." (HP)

Some nights tears are not enough.
Some nights sight is not enough.
Some nights awkward smiles are not enough.
Some nights remembrance is not enough.
Some nights screams are not enough.
Some nights dreams are not enough.
Some nights understanding is not enough.
Some nights thoughts are not enough.
Some nights feelings are not enough.
Some nights shivers are not enough.
Some nights contentment is not enough.
Some nights the calm is not enough.
Some nights the unsurity is not enough.
Some nights the future is not enough.

Some nights the silence is too much.
]
here is my response:

Some nights the tears stream down too quickly
Some nights my sight brings things that aren't there
Some nights the awkward smiles bring much needed laughter
Some nights remembrance helps bring peaceful sleep
Some nights my screams help me rid of my anger
Some nights my dreams make sleep all worth while
Some nights understanding is clumsily established
Some nights my thoughts drift to love for a friend
Some nights feelings overwhelm and envelop me
Some nights shivers are welcomed for a change
Some nights contentment keeps my world going
Some nights the calm makes my life complete
Some nights the unsurity ironically assures me
Some nights the future seems hopeful and bright

Some nights the silence leaves out way too much

that's nice to know.

22

I act like I'm 22.
This test was brought to you by Melissa - No, really.... Take it here.

i am a paddington. honestly. i am.

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

my song for today is change, by staind. this song was spurred to mind by a comment my father made. i'll elaborate after the song. here are the lyrics:

If ever you had said to me before
That I would live this life that I am
Living now I guess it's all so strange
To feel the way I do inisde but
Have so much that I could feel some
pride for in my life so why is it that
I feel like this

How do I feel? I've been here before.
I've felt this.
Retreat to a place, a place within.
I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
torture me like it used to.

I try and try to break away from all the hate
I'm feeling for every one of you who's ever
done me wrong. I need to justify the reasons
for the way I'm living. I guess I can't 'cause
I don't feel like I deserve it

How do I feel? I've been here before.
I've felt this.
Retreat to a place, a place within.
I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
torture me like it used to.

So now the waves they have subsided
And my soul is bleeding I can't take away
the shame I feel. Forgive me.

How do I feel? I've been here before.
I've felt this.
Retreat to a place, a place within me.
I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
torture me like it used to.

AGAIN!

okay, today he said i looked like a sleaz. i thought i looked pretty. he says really mean things sometimes, and it hurts so much because i just want him to love me and be proud of me. the more he puts me down the harder it is for me to be around him and the easier it is for me to do things i know i shouldn't do, because it feels like he doesn't care. still i know he'd disapprove and i'm ashamed of myself. i honestly hate myself because i am never good enough for him. do you get that? I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY OWN FATHER!!! do you have any idea how much that hurts? it is so unbearable. i have never been good enough for him. i can count on my fingers the times he has praised me for my work in school, which is the only thing he praises me for, and that is very infrequent. i love him so much, but sometimes i hate him. i wouldn't if he loved me. i wouldn't if he let me know that he cared about me. i love him so much ...why can't he love me?

20020609

did anyone else notice that the date today is 6/9?

i got my hair cut yesterday. i really like it. i just needed to change the subject.

"what we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone."

true. i hate love now; since it has left me. still in reference to sam. i just missed him so much yesterday. i know he didn't love me as much as i loved him, and that makes it even worse. in all attempts at love i have failed. i have lost. i never want to fall in love again. the down is not worth the up. truly it leaves a bitter "taste" when it's gone. my heart cannot take it any longer. sam was perfect, and my memories are terribly wonderful. painful but incredible. i will never fall in love again. i still love my friends and family, but never will i fall in love. never. it hurts so much when it ends ...and everything has to end.

20020608

"get me away from here i'm dying."

night time (or early morning i suppose it is now). the time to ponder. the time to realize that what i really what is what i cannot obtain, and that those who i love the most are those who are holding me back. subconciously they fill me with guilt, leaving me no choice but to comply to their whim. and i love them, so cannot say no; i cannot turn away. it is also the time when i evaluate myself. i see who i was, am, who i want to be, and who i can and cannot be. my ideal life will never be reached. i know and accept that because i have to. i can no longer live believing that people are good and the world is perfect. now i will settle for okay. i know that the worst is possible, but i also know that it rarely happens, and when it does it is because of my own delusions. reality isn't the worst anymore. it used to be, but that meant i had to turn away from everything and everyone to find some solace, and that's not right. reality is simply reality. no better or worse than i make it. i try to not think of it in terms of good or bad now. i just live every day as it comes, preparing for a disaster, and simply hoping for okay.

i just dyed my hair black. i think it looks really good. i'm gonna get bettie page bangs tomorrow. i'm actually debating whether or not i should because i really like my hair right now, but hair grows right? i'll probably get it done. oh yeah ...icangetmybellybuttonpierced!!!! i am so happy. that'll be fuckin' awesome.

20020607

I LOVE EVERYBODY, ESPECIALLY YOU!

damn them. damn those fives. damn them. damn them. damn them.

ivan and i broke up on the FIFTH(!!!) sabotaged by FIVES again.

i am so tired today. i had to be at school at seven am to take a test that i ended up getting 84 percent on. it wasn't even worth taking it if i got that shitty of a grade. oh well. that's okay. i'll live. i just hope i get an a on the final. and even if i don't everything will turn out okay in the end. everything always does. i'll just do my best, which is really all i can do anyway. i'll just do my best.

20020606

i don't want school to be over. i really like school. oh well. it has to end sometime i guess. the summer will be fun anyway, and it'll all start back up in september.

20020605

i will not let go of my happiness. i will not, i will not. everything will be well; optimism will prevail. i will not let go of my happiness. never will i let go.

i might not be able to work for my uncle this summer, due to conflicts in time, which is miserable because theni can't go to camp. despite my happy attitude this completely pushed me over the edge, and i broke down and cried. i took a little break and prayed and i feel better. funny how not going to camp upsets me more than breaking up with ivan. of course, i wanted to break up with him, and i didn't want to be left out of camp.

for my birthday (this is not going to happen, but i can hope) i am going to see if my parents will let me have a hotel room as long as it's all girls, which is the only way they'll go for it, and we're gonna have a whipped cream party. kinky, fun, all girls. sorry boys. maybe we'll take pictures. (yeah right. we'd have to have someone who was 18 develop them anyway.) i don't think that lovely laurie or any of my other straight edge friends will be into it, but if you wanna, the option's there. maybe we can have two rooms, so you girls can leave and watch movies if it gets too hot. that will be so much fun. ooh, handcuffs too. laura's kinda kinky in her mind i think. maybe she'll live out some of that porn. lol. that'll never happen.

well, ivan and i are both single now. any takers? just kidding. i'm looking forward to being single. it's funny. caleb said he had a dream that ivan would break up with me this week and he did. he said, "hun, we need to talk." well, duh for that one. obviously i knew what was coming. and this is what hapened in the following thirty seconds. i had this strange sensation spread through my body, i thought, "thank god he brought it up 'cause i really didn't want to." and, "will he still sign my yearbook?" maybe not typical for someone who has just been dumped, but i had been thinking about breaking up with him for the last weeka nd a half. you see, my problem is that once i get together with someone it just isn't fun anymore. except for with sam. that was incredible. he's the one guy who i really want to sleep with. i mean yeah, there are thoughts, but i still want himn more than anyone. i promised myself i wouldn't even kiss him again though, because that would make me miss him again if i did. anyway, back to ivan. i am so glad we broke up. so glad. i'm sure that sounds horrible, but we are still friends, and we just weren't right for eachother anyway. he needed someone who could be available all the time, and i needed to have my space a lot of the time. what can i say; i'm a busy girl. it's good that it's done before the summer too, because it would have been hard for me to remain faithful throughout the summer. i like my freedom. umless i really love someone then ...you know.

20020604

i feel so good right now. i'm gonna try to be nicer to people from now on. i'm not a mean person to begin with, but i think i could be nicer. it makes me feel really good. i'm so happy. hmmm. i love this.

Second finger eh? The index/main finger, making you the reliable one, the one whom everyone can depend on. Pretty down to earth though sometimes your reliability gets too much for others to bear and they think it's strange how much you plan.

Which finger are you?
Take the quiz to find out.

i got back from a back packing trip yesterday. it was really nice. the best part was when this kid who i had thought was a jerk took me aside and asked me to take a walk with him. we talked for a really long time and he told me all about his problems at home and things that were really hard to deal with regarding his friends and his girlfriend. he showed me this song he wrote for his girlfriend. it's a really nice song. he's actually a really nice guy too. afterwards he thanked me for caring and he drew me a picture. it's too bad he parades around in a masked peronality all the time. i got to see what he was really like for an hour, and that meant more than any of the campfire counsels, that meant more than any of the hikes and activities we did that were metaphors for real life situations. i got more from my talk with him and was more satisfied with it than with any other thing on the trip. i hope it meant half as much to him. i pray that he realizes he is a good person and can live that reality. inside everyone wants to be a nice person; that's the most important thing in life, and i think he's strong enough to succeed.