i mean, it goes up and down. symbolizing the act it suggests.

if you scroll down really quickly it looks cool

i am so fucking miserable.
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FUCK YOU!

i have been grounded for a while. i actually still am but my dad let me sign on for a tiny bit today. so here are posts for a few days:
_
april 26
i am very angry. so many school programs are being cut. i am writing a letter to the editor of the register guard and to the district super intendent. i will be completely blown off because i am just a kid, but hey, it's worth a try. i have to do a little more research first, but here are the beginnings of my complaint:
_
My name is Diamond Rhoads. I am a freshman at John F. Kennedy High School in Lawndale. I am very disappointed with the direction our schools are heading. I switched schools because the high school I was to attend didn’t offer advanced courses, and in looking through course catalogs for other schools, found more promising opportunities.
Unfortunately, this year so many classes were cut that the AP math classes and other important academic courses were completely eliminated. This is extremely upsetting because I, along with some of my peers, are not able to take a math class our senior year unless we retake a lower course. We are also not offered an education suitable for us in other areas. Several of my peers are considering getting enough credit to graduate a year early because of the few courses offered now, which would unfortunately lower funding even more because there would be fewer students. We also took into consideration the fact that more courses are likely to be cut next year too, leaving us with even fewer options, and basically cementing our decision.
The future of our school system does not look very hopeful, and I feel sorry for my younger sister who is to be a freshman my senior year. What will the schools be like for her? I believe that education is very important, and if funds must be cut then the sports programs should be eliminated rather than the academic programs, because there are sports offered outside of school. Our school system is falling apart and I don’t see anything being done about it. We, the students, the children, are the future; the future of this country and the future of the world. Don’t you want a bright future?
_
so, whadya think? yeah, i know it needs a lot of work. i just wish i was in a position where i could actually make a difference with it. it's very depressing to have no voice in what happens to me and my friends. we really are the future, and i don't want it to be fucked up for me because those jerks can't get their heads out of their asses. and yes i am being rather selfish, but we inherit this shit-hole after they're dead and gone. the world already has enough problems as it is, but when most of the population is as dumb as a brick it will only get worse. God save us. and i really am serious there.
anyway, i was so mad that i ran three miles, did 150 situps, and wasn't finished, but decided i should stop because i ran four miles two days ago along with three hundred situps and a mile and a half yesterday. i didn't do any situps yesterday because my stomach was so sore. if i did more today i really would have been pushing insanity. i really want to though. i stepped off of the treadmill after mile three, paced around, and my legs were itching to run more so badly i could hardly stand it. it's weird how after two i'm tired but after three i can't wait to do one or two more. i only did on hundred fifty situps today because my stomach still hurts a teeny bit. i really need a chin up bar so i can work on my arms.
ivan and i are together now. he was supposed to call me yesterday at eight and he never did. i get really awful feelings of abandonment when people don't call when they say they will, or if people are late, or if i'm alone for more than half an hour. so that was really hard for me. he still hasn't called and it's almost ten the next day, so that means he won't call until tomorrow. he promised he'd call tomorrow when he got home. i hope he does. that was another reason i ran so much today. i kept alternating between the thoughts that my boyfriend abandoned me and my school system and future are doomed. save me, save me, save me.
oh, i wrote an essay for health class, it's about half as long as the one i wrote about charlotte, but i like it. it's about brian from the breakfast club. here it is:
_
Brian, your stereotypical brain; the kid bound for a doctorate. He never does anything wrong, his parents love their "perfect" child. He dresses well and is willing to comply to all rules laid out before him whether they be academic or otherwise. So why is he at school on this Saturday morning, commingling with the kids who were caught skipping class, pulling false alarms, and beating up their weaker counterparts? Why must this child’s time be spent in the company of the vice principal instead of at home studying for the exam a month away, or for a class that he has less than ninety-eight percent in? This boy can do no wrong, right? I mean, he has everything going for him doesn’t he? Or is this just a cover?
Brian is a nice person. He has a few friends who, like himself, are involved in those "geeky" academic clubs. Still, they are social functions, as was pointed out by the certainly less-than-subtle John. Proving that contrary to popular belief, Brian is not antisocial, though he may be timid around people outside of his circle of friends, he doesn’t readily voice his opinions in matters outside of class, and in class isn’t the most outspoken.
Coming from a well off family and parents who are still in love, Brian has a good life. That is, aside from the fact that his parents put so much pressure on him that he would kill himself over a B. Imagine him coming home, "Mom, Dad, I ...I have, um, a B. In shop." "WHAT?! Did I hear you correctly son? Do you know what that will do to your GPA? How do you expect to get into college with grades like that? And in shop no less." With these unrealistic expectations there is the constant threat of disappointment and failure. If he does any less than more than all that is humanly possible he is lowered in the eyes of his parents. Not a "brain" but a "loser". And who wants that label?
Tired of the pressure from his parents, our young Brian comes to a turning point in his life. Stepping outside of his body and analyzing who he is, he realizes that he hates himself. He has never felt like he has been good enough for his parents, inevitably making him not feel good enough for anyone. Not only is he a disappointment to them, he is a disappointment to himself; something that is really hard to live with. Because he no longer likes himself he feels like no one else does either. There isn’t anything to wake up for because it’s just the same old routine of constantly failing. So he decides to give up.
Ready to attempt suicide with a flare gun, (yes, I did say flare gun) he stores it in his locker. Ironically, it goes off in the locker which would kill all of his books, not himself, and may be in the eyes of Brian an even bigger disappointment to his parents than if it had gone off while aimed at his head. This is why Brian is wasting his precious study time. But, it isn’t really a waste of time at all.
Through his actions, Brian is able to change himself. He no longer has to be everything that is expected. He can just be himself. No more, no less. The way it should be.
When he and the other students arrived, they were assigned an essay. They were to write about who they thought they were. No less than one thousand words, and not one word repeated one thousand times. And as the movie opened, it could have been just one word -jock, princess, criminal, brain, basketcase- but that really wouldn’t say it all as the picture closed. Their stereotypes mostly erased, they finally could see who they were, who they are, who they want to be. And during those long hours on Saturday, Brian and the other students realize that they are all the same. Not carbon copies, not your perfect little clones, not the same in that way. They realize that every single one of them is a child who has problems, insecurities, and emotions. They can see that none of them are completely sure of themselves, none of them have a perfect life; and as the idea that all of them have a little bit of the others inside strikes them, they finally accept who they are themselves. Confidence and friends gained, the movie ends. A legend and a fairy tale. Borders not only crossed but burned. A sound of triumph echoes through the high school halls.
_
this, unlike my letter, i am happy with. even if it could be improved on by a lot. i think it fits for the assignment, and the whole mood is right. i guess most people don't analyze a little essay like this as much as i do. most of the kids in my class wrote their papers a few seconds before the bell rang.
that kind of bothers me because they will get just as much or more credit than i do on mine, simply because my teacher doesn't like us "nonconformist" kids. she's trying to teach us to see beyond people's stereotypes, but she can't see beyond ours. that bothers me. she's being hypocritical. it may be subconsciously, but that doesn't change the fact that she is.
_
april 27
charlotte just asked me what i would do if i had only eighteen days left to live, and of course my immediate response was, "fuck as many people as possible." but then i changed my mind. yeah, it would be fun, but i think it would be too emotional for me. in order to make love to someone you have to love them. or at least be attached to them somehow, emotionally. so i would just fuck ivan i guess. and i wouldn't want to have sex with charlotte, but i would want to spend as much time with her as possible and maybe makeout or something. not making out because it would be pleasurable, but because it would be like a bonding. emotional and physical. because i love her. she's my best friend. and that's all. and i would be with keenan a lot because i love him so much.
. . . and i would go to france.
_
april 28
"And so, in my State of the -my State of the Union -or state -my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation -I asked Americans to give 4,000 years -4,000 hours over the next -the rest of your life -of service to America." that comes from president twat, excuse me, president bush on his community service initiative. more proof that the world is falling apart. boy is he an idiot. why do we have to have a moron as the leader of our country? the voting system is shit. in all fairness, cunt lost. damnit slipped again; bush lost. oh well, if it wasn't DICK and BUSH it wouldn't be so amusing.
_
Lying here, alone in my own hopeless confusion,
Watching the flame of my final candle flicker and fade away,
Wishing I could do the same.
As it dies, I turn and look upward.
Somewhere, beyond the darkness of my room, there is a hope;
There has to be.
I can see it when I close my eyes
And I long for it so strongly that I know it is real.
But what is it, and
How do I get to it?
I know I yearn for something, something . . .
I close my eyes again, tighter -hoping to hold on to that vision of a dream,
Maybe in sleep I can find it.
But sleep is unreachable for me, and
In my wakefulness, my final flame of hope begins to flicker and fade,
But I wonder now, why must it die?
And if it dies
Then will I dies too, or
Am I doomed to wander through this darkness
Forever and empty shell?
_
i talked to ivan for a really long time last night. it was so nice. i was lying in bed talking to him on the phone, all the lights were off, and all i could hear was his voice, so if i closed my eyes i could pretend he was there next to me. a nice illusion before i went to sleep. i had weird dream with ivan in it. i was in global studies, but it was second period, and mr. conway handed back a test we had taken the period before on which i got a 'C'. i was so traumatized that i burst into tears because i knew my parents would kill me. well, they would be really "disappointed". so mr. conway gave me a hug and told me it was okay and that i could leave if i needed to. so i left and i saw ivan and was so happy to see him because it had been a week. i ran up to him and hugged him and then he changed. he was still ivan, but he looked really different somehow, and when i stepped back he died. and i started crying and then i was all alone in the middle of nowhere. so i am in a sour mood toady, even though i have a bunch of happy stuff on. this is horrible. i am so sad. i will be better soon. i get to see ivan tomorrow.
_
another thing. ivan said we could go to prom if i wanted to. i don't know if i do. prom is way over done. if he wants to i will. i just wanted to be invited. whether i go or not doesn't matter, because it probably wouldn't bve incredibly fun anyway. all i wanted was for him to ask me. i guess that's kinda strange. oh well, it's coming from me, so that should be expected.
_
april 29
oh today is really bad. nothing went well today and i just feel awful. i might get my ged and go to lcc next year and work at some place like wal mart. not glamorous, but i will be done with undergrad courses by what would be the end of junior year and i could go into more math and chemistry. then i could be a pharmacist, or if i really wanted to work hard i could go to be a chemical engineer. i'd have a head start. how ironic. i can get further if i "drop out" of high school than if i stay.
the only thing holding me back is charlotte. she already feels like i'm abandoning her because i'm with ivan, and i am not. i really am not. i love her so much. i love her more than ivan. i mean, we just got together. i'll always love charlotte. friends last longer than guys. i will never leave her. and even if i do go to lcc, we can still see eachother on weekends and after school. it's not like i'm leaving for good. plus, we live really close together.
_
i am so weak today. i have absolutely no energy. i couldn't even run one mile today. i'm crumbling with the school system. what is happening to me?

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lmnop (in the spirit of "randomness")

on a lighter note, i got a new snake last night. isn't that cool! he's gorgeous. since i have two female corn snakes i can raise little baby corn snakes now because of my new male. his name is christopher o'malley from a marcy playground song. "christopher o'malley went out on a bridge down in chehalis, and clutching his bible and a letter from her fell into the river, pity no one was there, no angels in the air, and the morning paper ran one more suicide, yeah" all of my snakes are named after someone in a song. the girls, however, not so ill-fated. anna maybe, for love, because the mann she's with (in the song) is afraid of falling in love. but aren't most people? kate is just a happy go lucky pot head with whom everyone is in love. i just added the vicious part because she is more vicious than anna. it's also for sid vcious. the infamous bass player for the sex pistols. i need to make christopher a sign. anna and vicious kate have one, so should he.

i have an announcement. i don't know why i should tell you, but i'm going to. i have an eating disorder. not that this will surprise you guys. i'm not anorexic, i'm not bulimic. it's not a cut and dry thing. i purge sometimes. i will go a few days without eating occasionally. i will do three hundred sit ups and then run five miles after eating onnly an apple. i never binge. occasionally i will just eat junk food, but i won't eat a lot of it. and i don't do this because i think i'm fat, because that isn't what i think at all. i like my body. i am comfortable with my body. it just makes me feel so good. i don't know why, but it does. it's entirely a mental thing. so i need help through this guys. i can't eat junk food. just don't let me get it, don't let me eat it, don't offer me any. not even chocolate. make sure i eat lunch. even if i say, "no, i'm not hungry," even if i get mad at you, make sure i eat. if i only have a piece of fruit that's okay. it's better than nothing. just help me through this. please. i hate that i do this.

fuck, this is horrible. the backs of my running shoes gave out and they are my favorite shoes in the entire world. if i don't find the same kind this year i will be so pissed. they have had them for the last three years so they should still have them. if they don't then i will have to run in something else. how awful. i could only go a mile today because of my damn shoes. i ran five yesterday. five to one. that's a huge difference. oh this makes me mad.

i have this invisible bruise at the back of my jaw bone right under my ear. it has been there for a couple of days. it feels like someone hit me really hard with a bar right below my jaw and lifted up. fuck, it won't go away. it's horrible.

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By Growing.

i feel fucking incredible!!!

i am very tired. i still have to write my speech for barnum. fuck. oh well. i am thinking about ivan. that makes me happy. i have no chance, but as long as i can pretend i do then i am happy.

charlotte had a cast party last night. well, she didn't have it, she just went to it. i couldn't go because i'm not part of the cast, which makes sense. she was supposed to call em at seven to tell me whetther or not i could go, and she didn't so by seven twenty i was freaking out and really upset. she finally called me at eight and said i couldn't go. oddly enough this made me happy. it was just because she called. i was thinking, "oh yay! she called me! she didn't forget about me!" a little strange, but there's nothing worse than thinking your best friend forgot you. i saw a play with my family that night, which would have been fine except for the fact that my friends were in a play i would have much rather seen. even though i already saw it three times. i didn't want to sit through another corny, traditional musical, I WANTED TO SEE MY FRIENDS! but that's okay, my parents will probably let me leave next time, because who wants to hang out with a miserable kid all night? speaking of being miserable, i don't like it strictly because people always try to cheer me up and are hanging on me and telling me it will be okay. it's nice to know they care, but if i turn away from them while i am crying it means i want them to go away. nobody gets that. they just try to give me another hug. if i wanted one i would have hugged them back. i love hugs and when i am sad i usually ask for one when i need one. but if i don't need on then i just want to be left alone. any other time it would be okay to give me a hug, but only sometimes when i am sad and only from certain people. why do they think i go sit somewhere where no one can see me when i am upset? do they think it is because i want them to come find me? that would be really weird. it's because i want to be alone. and that makes sense doesn't it? at least i think so. okay, enough about that. i got really mad at myself today. i used to be kind of anorexic and i had just finished working out after eating only an apple (we finally got a treadmill [which is completely unbelieveable] so i am glad about that) and as i stepped off i got really dizzy and the room started spinning, but i felt incredible. i felt so powerful, even though i was a little sick to my stomach, and i was thinking, "hey, i shouldn't eat anything today or the next day. i remember how good i felt when i didn't eat and it was great. i want to do that again." and then i got s o mad at myself. i couldn't believe i thought that. i looked so horrible. i thought i looked great at the time, but i didn't. it did feel really good because i thought i looked incredible and it gave me this elated feeling, but it was so unhealthy. i look fine the way i am now. every once in a while i feel ugly or fat, but i know that it's not true, that only happens when something horrible happens. kind of like when i had just finished talking to sam about breaking up after he came out. that was bad. i am still kind of mad at myself for thinking that. what a horrible thing. i tried to call keenan to tell him, but i couldn't reach him. i'll call him later tonight; at seven i suppose. i love him so much. oh that reminds me. debra said that she loves me and wants to marry me and have little orphan children. at least she told charlotte that. which is kinda cute. she kissed me! isn't that cool. i want to make out with her. she's so cute! i want to make out with ivan too. i can't stop thinking about him. i would feel a little guilty if i did make out with him because there is this guy (i can't put his name on here in case it gets him in trouble so i shall call him corey) who calls me every night and he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me which really isn't a good idea and i can't explain why because then someone might figure out who he is. and he says his friend also wants to be with me, you know who he is: "he kissed me! he kissed me!", who also calls me consistently. and then there's the benjamin issue. i have no idea what the fuck he wants. one minute he's all over me and the next he wants nothing to do with me. i shouldn't feel guilty about him i guess, because i don't know what's going on with him. or corey for that matter because if i do get involved with him it just proves that he's an asshole and i'm a rotten friend. and the "he kissed me!" guy has been around a few times, according to several of his friends and i asked him about it and he said that it's true, so i probably shouldn't feel guilty about that either. hey, i guess i can make out with ivan, (if he wants to) that is so cool! hmm. : ) i am so happy! i was really happy on friday too. i got out of math early and i ran into adam in the hall and he piccked me up and swung me around, and then we danced around the hall for about ten minutes. we got several stares, but what the hell, it was so fun. then i ran into ivan and he picked me up and swung me around, and so did trevor. what's with all this picking me up? sometimes it's fun. and i swing charlotte around all the time since she's so tiny. and that's fun too. after class on friday we were all sitting around, putting on ivan's trench coat, jumping up and down, doing completely random things, and hugging all of our friends who walked by, and then cody swung me over his shoulder and he's like, "hey, everyone slap diamond's ass!" someone hit me really hard. i was laughing so hard though, my sides felt like they were gonna split. then he said, "i'm sorry i had no idea they were actually going to." right, like charlotte, drew and melissa would pass up the opportunity. some other people did too, but because i was facing the other way i don't know who did. i guess they could have hit me more than once so i just thought thre were more people. that was rather interesting. okay gotta go. post more later.

i am such a nutcase.

i am in such a good mood. i really don't know why. thinking about cows and cheese, and wouldn't it be so cool to make out with ivan? i can't believe he's only 16, he looks like he's 23 or something like that. hmmm, i love his voice, and his laugh. there's just something about it that makes me really happy. today is wonderful.

i am so fucking bi-polar.

fuck

today is so horrible. life sucks. i hate everyone. i want to die.

i just talked to charlotte about that drew thing and she said that i can hang out with him and it doesn't really bother her.

i am very frustrated with charlotte. i know she will be reading this, so she’ll know why, too. (hi charlotte! i still love you, but i am hurt.) so she doesn’t like drew. that’s okay, if she doesn’t want to hang out with him, fine, then she doesn’t have to. but she can’t tell him not to hang out with me. he is my friend and i like to spend time with him. i talked to him and he said he would just leave both of us alone because he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship, but he’s not going to ruin it because charlotte and i are really close and i know she will understand when i talk to her about it. no guy will ever come between us, and drew’s just a friend so that would make it even more unlikely. anyway, i can choose my friends. and it’s not like there aren’t times when i’m alone. he can see me then. this just hurts so much; it’s not fair.

bad news. there are no honors pre-calculus classes offered at my school next year, and my english teacher is retiring. that is very sad. it makes me angry. i’m still having a really good day though, despite all of that. i have been in a good mood lately. it’s really nice. i’m definitely bi-polar.

lick v. 1 [To pass the tongue over] stroke, rub, touch, pass over, pass across, caress, wash, graze, brush, glance, tongue, fondle, soothe, tranquilize, calm, quiet.
does anyone else find that strange? this is in the webster’s new world dictionary and thesaurus. i think it’s a little odd.

here’s an essay i wrote about charlotte. it needs some editing (okay, a lot) but i still like it:
Crazy, morbid, sexy, quiet, weird; my best friend, and very possibly the strangest person I have ever met -meant in the best way possible of course- Charlotte Madden. (Also known as Jonathan, but you can call her Paul for short.)
I met Charlotte at freshman orientation, standing amongst Laura, Kimi, and Ali. She was shy and looked almost amusingly dwarfed by her friends, Ali especially. Despite the fact that our conversation was brief, I could tell we were going to be friends. I was even more thrilled when I had my first period class with her and Laura. Charlotte was busy complimenting me on my halter-top while Laura played with my hair. I remember thinking, “This is a little strange; I don’t even know these girls. Nonetheless, it’s cool with me.”
The next day, I had another class with Charlotte, and I believe she went through my purse and put on almost all of my makeup. A little strange, but perfectly Charlotte. We went out shopping and to the movies a few times over the course of the next two or three weeks, and strangely enough we had both managed to still not know the others name. How we managed to talk to each other on the phone is beyond me. “Uh hi. Is your daughter there?” “Who is this? And which daughter?” “Um, the one who’s a freshman. This is a friend from school.” Yeah, that’s believable.
Eventually I learned her name, and she, mine as well, and I discovered other little things about Charlotte. One of the first things being her obsession with Sid and Nancy. One day she came up to me in the hall and asked me to be Sid so she could be Nancy. I declined with the little knowledge it was that I had of the Sex Pistols. She decided to explain to me almost everything she knew about them, which was a lot, believe me, and now it‘s even more. She has a Sid lock, several Sid patches, a Sid Vicious jingle, some stickers, a poster, pictures and books. She can relate almost anything to Sid or Nancy. She was even Nancy for Halloween. Still she insists she doesn’t idolize them and that she is not obsessed. I’ll just let her live in denial.
I also discovered we share the same love for black nail polish, candles, profanity, sad songs, fire, and onion rings. Cut up shirts, faded, worn out blue jeans, and ratty old sweat shirts that have too much sentimental value to throw away were our wardrobe, and we both rarely parted with our bright red lipstick and black eyeliner. While we both love punks and punk music, we could never qualify. Still, Charlotte being simply Charlotte is definitely better than Charlotte pretending to be anything else.
Of course, “Simply Charlotte” can be trouble if mixed with someone who is also simply herself. Especially if that person is Diamond. (That was in reference to me. Actually, it still is.) And especially if they decide to take each other seriously when both aren’t quite serious. For example: “Hey Diamond, I have an idea. Let’s light our locker on fire.” “Okay!” Of course, the conversation isn’t bad, the perception a little peculiar, however, actually following through with it? That’s when things get interesting.
Being the sweet, innocent, young, choir girls we are, we managed to escape with hardly a lecture. I was elated because it got me out of class, and fascinated with how serious B. J. was being, and yet how amused Corey seemed to be with our antics. Charlotte was edgy and high-strung; I could barely contain my laughter. Corey and Carleen convinced B. J. that we were good students and would never do anything like that again. We were in there for maybe twenty minutes and then got the rest of the period off and it was counted as an excused absence. Neither of us suffered any consequences from the school, and Charlotte was only grounded for a week. Even though she was grounded, her parents still let us hang out downtown and at the mall after school.
Though it can be a nice alternative to going home, we are at the mall altogether way too often. The people in the stores we frequent the most practically know us by name. They know where we go to school, who’s grounded between the two of us, how old we are, and they know not to say anything bad about Sid or Nancy around Charlotte unless they want her to cry. We are in Hot Topic probably more than any other place in the mall (which I’m sure surprises you to no end) because it isn’t too horrible of a store. It would be better if there weren’t so many posers and preps in there. It would also be better if they didn’t have so much Blink 182 stuff. I don’t care what they or anyone else says, they are not punk. If you think they are you don’t know your music. And they’re expensive. It also makes Charlotte and me mad that they have a pink Rancid shirt for girls. Why can’t they make it black or something? Just because it’s a girl’s shirt doesn’t mean that it has to be pink! Plus, it’s an insult to Rancid.
Even though Blink 182 bothers Charlotte because they claim to be punk and are NOT(!), she still listens to Good Charlotte, who look like they would be punk, and then you hear their music and that’s the end of that. She says that because they never actually said they were punk in the first place it’s different, because Blink did and that’s why it’s wrong for them. I still don’t agree with her. Nevertheless, her passion for Good Charlotte continues to live on. After their concert she got to meet them and was walking on air for days. All she could talk about was Benji this and Benji that. (In case you were wondering, he’s in the band, and also worships Sid.) I’m glad she was so ecstatic. It’s a rare occurrence in the life of Charlotte. Not to say she has a horrid life or anything. She really doesn’t, though she may think so at times.
She lives with her parents and her two incredibly hyper, out-of-control, jumpy, loving, psychotic dogs who almost succeed in bowling me over every time they see me. Even if they have seen me two minutes earlier. They never tire of that. It’s odd to see such hyper animals in an otherwise calm household. Though strict and sometimes unforgiving, her parents are very nice and very loving, and want only the best for their daughter. Even though parents’ rules don’t always make sense to us, there is most certainly a reason for them. They’ve been there, done that. We just don’t like to think so, because if we don’t then we can also think their rules are unfounded and try to blow them off. It doesn’t usually work and at least one of us ends up getting in trouble. More likely to be Charlotte. Still, she has great parents. We both love them, despite the fact that we don’t usually agree on anything, and the occasional argument between Charlotte and her parents is inevitable.
Unavoidable as it may be between them, Charlotte and I have never had a serious argument. Unless, of course, you think arguing over whether airplane headphones are sterilized or not, and if they are, how, is anything more than completely ridiculous. She is a great friend and sticks by me through everything, offering advice when she can, or simply listening to me whimper while alternating between giving me hugs, chocolates, and tissues. I try my best to do the same for her. She’s everything I could hope for in a friend ...even if she is a little off her rocker.

you know what's funny, i found this blog (delirum.blogspot.com) and the woman writing it said i reminded her of herself when she was my age and she this kanga thing and i link under it. so i took the test and i got kanga also. isn't that strange?

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

i was really hyper walking home from school today. drew was like "are you okay? you seem a little on the edge today, like you'll blow up or something." i feel wonderful again, it's strange because it's friday and nothing good happens on fridays, but maybe my luck is changing, almost everything else changed so why shouldn't that? and anyway, something good already happened. hmm, i have to go clean the kitchen and then my rrom, and i should spend some time on my cello before my lesson. i should also play with anna and vicious kate. they are probably getting a little bored. oh hey, i am going to a play tonight. charlotte, laura, and adam are in it. speaking of adam, he hit me in the boobs today (damn things are always getting in the way) and then he had to pet them to make sure they were okay. thanks adam. and then he said, "you know, you have really big boobs." thanks, that is only too painfully obvious. okay, i really have to go now. bbye.

hey i just entered fuck into the "show posts containing. . . " thingy and only 17 posts came up, now it would be 18. isn't that wierd? i thought i said fuck more than that. it's definitely a good thing though.

i am happy, i got a kiss. (or two or three) you're probably thinking, "whoah, big deal." but i thought it was cool because i had wanted to for a while and it finally happened!

i just watched my snakes kill some rats. it was actually kind of cool. i had wanted to hold the poor things and comfort them before they were so cruelly devoured by my malicious reptiles, but the damn things kept squirming around and running away from me. hello, i was giving them a few minutes of solace before their horrific death and they were being stupid little, ungrateful creatures. so i tossed them in the cage. (it seemed like the next logical step.) as soon as they were in the cage vicios kate struck gracefully and accurately. then she squeezed it to death. the little thing was screaming at the top of its delicate rat lungs. anna was nibbling on its tail while the other rat just scampered about oblivious to the murderous fate of its friend. after i pried anna off of vicious kate's meal's tail, i dropped the other rat in front of her a couple of times. ( it took her a while to realize what was going on. she's slow like that.) she finally attacked and more screaming followed. it was all very amusing in a morbid sort of way.

this song is anna begins by counting crows. very possibly the best song in the world. i love this song. actually, i just love counting crows, august and everything after anyway. the best cd. incredible. extraordinary. unbelievable. melodic. dulcet. soothing. relaxing. calming. comforting. tranquilizing. consoling. beautiful. yeah, i think i'll stop now. you get the idea? here's the song:
My friend assures me 'it's all or nothing'
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me: 'For one time only make an exception'
I am not not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
With the status of my emotions 'Oh', She says, 'You're changing.'
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But, I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey or something in between
And I can always change my name if that's what you mean
My friend assures me 'It's all or nothing'
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you tell yourself to make yourself forget
I am not worried
'If it's love', she said, 'then were gonna have to think about the consequences'
She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and.....
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
'These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days' she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not gonna bend and I'm not gonna break
I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say 'as long as this is love...'
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should just:
Snap her up in a butter fly net and just pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried, I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it's it's love and
Oh lord.... I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleep
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord... I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away
She disappears and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing