you know what's really embarrassing. i went bra shopping yesterday because my old ones don't fit me anymore. well, anyway the embarrassing part is that i have to buy most of my bras from the "full figure" section. i'm not fat or anything, i'm fairly thin, but my boobs won't stop growing. it's really embarrassing. i hate looking around in that section. i don't know why, but i just feel really self conscious. i am fine in the other sections, but i just can't do it. i hate it.

goddamnit he kissed me. it was just on the cheek, but that means i could have kissed him. i wanted to so much. we stood there for a while before and we were just holding each other, but then came that awkward moment when you know what you want to do, but you're not sure what they want, and then he kissed me on the cheek. no big deal. it's just a little kiss. but that means I COULD HAVE KISSED HIM and what makes it worse is that I REALLY WANTED TO!!!!!!! and he would have been fine with it. hell, he would have liked it i'm sure, but i didn't. there goes my day. fuck.

i saw benjamin at hot topic today with some other girl. he acted really uneasy. he's like "oh-ht-h-hi! what are you doing here?!" not how are you or anything nice like that. what did he think i was doing? and he tried to introduce me to that girl, yet almost forgot my name. and my mom said "wow, he acted really embarrassed to see you there while he was with another girl." after we left. he must be making out with her too. it doesn't bother me, but if he thinks it does i'll let him live in his guilt for a while, which is mean, but only fair. oh yeah, my parents bought me new clothes. why? i don't know. i thought i was grounded. and they let me slip over to drew's house for a little while today. boy, are they nutty. i love how i never get in trouble.

:-)

oh yeah, new house rules: if i tell my folks almost everything (they said some stuff they really just don't want to know) i will never ever get in trouble no matter what i do; however, if i lie to them i will get in a lot of trouble. now that sounds really good to me. i can do whatever i want as long as i tell them and i won't get in trouble. (?!!!!)

i told sam about benjamin. he didn’t say much. no stupid comments. no sarcasm. i could tell he was jealous. oh well. WE BROKE UP REMEMBER?!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if the horrible feeling I had after that wasn’t enough to make my day miserable, i got thrown out of the house (that would be the second time this month) and it was because it was sophie’s birthday party and her stupid little guy friends were being rude to me and when i tried to talk to sophie and give her a hug she said she hated me. naturally i would be the one to get in trouble in this situation right. my dad was yelling at me and i turned up the volume on the tv and consequently was kicked out. so i went to drew’s house, came back five hours later, and was grounded. if i had only stayed for four hours i’m sure it would be fine because five is such a horrible number. it’s only for a week anyway. no big deal.

i am really confused. i don't like being confused, yet i am all the time. and i usually don't even know why. oh well. it's not an incredibly awful thing. nothing in my life is really incredibly awful. except for memories, but that's all they are anymore. memories. i still don't like being confused. i don't think anyone does, but of course that would make sense, unlike everything else. and i am only confused for reasons that confuse other people when i try to explain because i "truly have a dizzying intellect" and then only wind up confusing myself more while trying to unfuddle the mess i was in in the first place bringing myself to a whole new level of confusion and bewilderment while i continue rambling, much like i am doing now, only to myself because my less-than-attentive audience beacame befuddled and discombobulated before i had finished my first confusing sentence on how i am utterly, hopelessly, and permanently confused in this metagrobolizing world that is completely puzzled about itself which does me no good and still causes me to be confused.

well that happy feeling is leaving me finally. i hope it comes back. if everything wasn't so confusing it would be so . . . i don't know, better (?) maybe. if only i had never made out with him. i could just be thinking about how nice it would be to do that and i would still be bouncy and happy and certainly satisfied with everything. he stopped by last night along with eric and brian. it was around eight and was unannounced and i was aslepp. and they only stayed for half an hour. but that's okay. and he kissed me before they left. i am dying here. i shouldn't be so easy. i like him, but i am in love with sam. i have been looking for a guy like benjamin and when i finally stumble upon him i am in love with someone else. will this bad luck ever end? i'll go along with it because benjamin's great and i really do want to, i just still love sam so it doesn't feel like it's fair.
fuck.

i just got off of the phone with benjamin. i was telling him how it was kind of awkward that sam still loves me, because if he still does why can’t he try to make this work, it would juat be easier if he didn’t. and then benjamin’s like, “you know what would make it really awkward? ” and then i say “no, what?” (like i couldn’t see this coming!!!!) he replied, “. . . if i told you i loved you. but i wouldn’t say that because that would just make it too awkward.” at which point i almost drop the phone and he says the oh-so-intelligent-yet-ironic-and-horrid’ “ya there?” “yes i’m here” “sorry about that, it would make it awkward huh?” “oh, that’s perfectly okay [while i am thinking what to do (?) what to do (?)]” and we get sidetracked to something else and i have decided undoubtedly to finally tell sam.

i don't wanna go home. ever.

i miss sam again

i wish this feeling could last forever. i felt really sad last night. just for a few minutes, it could be because i was really tired and it's hard to be happy when you're tired. it justs takes more effort. i'm kinda happy again, and i've been pretty rational all day and i haven't been too down. i wasn't as perky today as i was yesterday. i'm always really down after i make out with someone. like the day after, because i want them so much. i just want to relive it. which i usually get to, but the in between time is torture. maybe i should never make out with anyone ever again. the up isn't worth the down.

maybe i'm bi-polar. i can almost guarantee that i won't be this happy in a few weeks. "we lost it all, nothing lasts forever, i'm sorry i can't be perfect, now it's just too late and we can't go back, i'm sorry i can't be perfect"

hey i tried to post this a while ago, but my computer isn't working so i have to use a friends. well, anyway. sam and i are officially over, and i have neverfelt better. seriously. i thought it would be horrible, but this is great. i haven't felt so alive and awake in years. i feel incredible. and i owe it all to sam. and i love him all the more for it. (or at least i owe it to breaking up with him) i feel so good this is great. i love this feeling. i changed my look to go along with my feelings. my hair is almost my natural color, a little more red. and my makeup is softer. instead of black around my eyes i have a light cool blue and a soft gold. and i traded in my bright red lips for a shimmery pink. and my clothes are bright greens and blues. no more black. this is really weird. i haven't felt so incredible for so long. thanks sam. oh, speaking of incredible, ben has great lips. just in case you were wondering. it's kinda weird. i usually don't make out with people two days after i've broken up with someone. of course, i never feel this good after breaking up with anyone either. it's weird. i felt so horrible before. it's like i was afraid of being relieved when it finally ended, and not really afraid of its end. but at any rate i feel wonderful and i hope it lasts. thanks sam. i love you. and i always will.

why did i have to fall in love? i didn't want to. i never wanted to! now i just don't want it to end.

so much for the optimism.

i feel really ugly today. isn't it strange how you can convince yourself that you're a horrible person, or that you're hideous, or you're sick or pathetic or something like that, when you know in your heart of hearts that it isn't entirely true? it's like you're pushing yourself closer to the edge almost unconsciously. it's strange. it's like you really want to. i also feel sick. that sad sort of sick. i was feeling wonderful earlier today, but then i just got really down. daphne cheered me up. after i felt really guilty for murdering her h so coldly this morning. (she would be the daphne i had to kill for biology class.) i returned her to her family after school and held a small funeral. well anyway, the reason i was sad partially had to do with sam and the rest of it is unknown to me. i felt better after school cause i got a hug from this guy. it was kinda funny we asked him for a hug and he gave us one and then he's like "uhhh, what are your names?" but that's okay. i'm feeling down again, and thinking about the dreadfully quickly approaching choir concert tonight doesn't cheer me up in the slightest bit. i can't believe i have school tomorrow. it has been such a long week and i need to see sam. i miss him horribly. and i still love him. that's so horrible because when i'm with benjamin, if we ever do anything, i'll be thinking about sam. and then i'll start crying. it would be really unnerving for someone if they were making out and then whoever they were with started crying. i still think about sam when i'm with benjamin and it's not like we do anything. i think about him all the time. what am i gonna do? i feel so empty without him and he hasn't even left me completely. i feel like half of a person. not the good half either, that's the half he brings out and that's the half that died in his absence. i am the ugly miserable half no one wants to show. i feel tired and sick and ugly and lonely and empty.

i will be optimistic! i am changing my attitude towards the world. i am a pessimist, but away with my old life. i will be a nice person. i will hope for the best, take the worst with a smile, and know that there are happier days to come.

i have dedicated this song to sam. i love him with all of my hear tand i always will. i can't let him go in my heart. oh sam. "hold me like you'll never let me go:
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change...
Winter to Spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you, until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and
I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you, until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you, until my dying day
Oh, come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you, until my dying day

"i try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes" this is the attitude i have tried to adopt towards our breakup. it is a little bit funny. it's a little ironic. it's extremely horrible. it's ironic because when i finally find a guy who is perfect for me, he lives too far away which inevitably results in our breakup. it's ironic because i thought about breaking up with him for a couple weeks, but just couldn't bring it up and when he does i no longer want to. it's ironic because it hurt so much while i was with him, and breaking it off brings me no comfort or relief. "until the day that the angels come around i won't find the solace that i'm seeking." it's horrible. you know why? because i will see him one last time. one last time to hold him and kiss him and love him. i will love him forever. "and ever, let's make this last forever" (and i complain about them.) oh well, god i miss him so much. these last two days have been the worst two days of my life. honestly. i've had some bad experiences that would seem more traumatic, but this one beats the shit out of them all. i feel sick. not sick sick, but horribly emotionally distraught sick. charlotte said, "you know that feeling how when you're really sad your heart actually hurts?" yeah, that's there too. it was so bad the first few hours after he called. i got in the shower, because that's the only place i can safely sob in this house, and i couldn't stand up. my chest felt like it was going to explode and my lungs felt like there was this huge pressure on them so i could barely breathe. my eyes were stinging and i couldn't stand up. then i got this huge breath and i started screaming "i hate you, ihate you!" over and over again and was pulling my hair out and then i crumpled into a pathetic mess of tears and soap, and water on the floor of the shower and stayed there for two hours. it was really bad. and then today i started singing along to friday i'm in love and i started sobbing and cried my self to sleep. i woke up an hour later. i'm dying. i can't take this. yes i can. i will make it through this. it's not the end of the world. "i try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes."

i can't let him go. i can't, i can't, i can't.

i knew all of those fives meant something. i am going to break up with my boyfriend. in five days. we established this last night. we both want to stay together but the distance sucks. so we are going to see eachother one last time. and then we will be done. i won't ever do anything with him ever again after we break up. he wanted to know why i wouldn't if we were both single. it would just be too hard because i still love him and then i would be miserable afterwards. i love him so much. i don't care if it was mutual, i don't care if it will be better in the long run. it hurts now. it hurts so much. i can't take this. i love him. i love him. i love him. i want to be with him so much. i don't want us to fall apart. sure we'll still be friends, but that isn't what i want. i don't hink it's really what he wants either, it's just easier. why do people take the easy way out? i would have stuck by him for so long. i love him and that should be what matters. he must not love me. i know long distance is hard, but it's not that hard. i'm sorry i am such a horrible person. i'm SORRY!!!! I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT WORTH IT TO ANYONE AM I? WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER LIVING? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there, now i feel better, back to business. i am listening to The Cure right now. i just got their greatest hits album with an acoustic version of every song as a little bonus. i also got Viberate by Joydrop. and i got charlotte a really awesome birthday present. but i still can't fucking believe that creep. it has been going on for a long time. ooh, i am so angry. the fuckhead messed with the wrong chick today. it has not been a good day. not at all. ask anyone i live with, they are past trying to make me think rationally. i can't believe that little fuck. stay off my fucking account, you hear?!!!!! little pissant. i am not a pleasant person when i am angry. ohhoh, believe me. you wouldn't want to be within a three state radius you little shit. are you getting this?!! hmmm?!!!!!!!!!! i can't hear you!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

some creep keeps getting on my account and it's pissing me off goddamnit!!!!! if i ever find you, you little shit, you will be so fucking miserable, that death won't even bring you peace. take that as a fucking warning bitch!!!!!!!

i am so miserable. i hardly spent any time with him today and got one kiss. i can't do this. i won't see him for another week and a half. maybe. this sucks. i just can't take it anymore.

oh yeah, just because i feel like putting this down and i don't know if i did already, but what the hell. here it is again then. i made out with charlotte and melissa at the same time the other day. sam wasn't in the least bit surprised. i don't think that's a good thing, but oh well.

i am still in love with sam. i just had a three day bout of doubt. hey, that rhymes and no it wasn't intentional. it actually sounds kind of stupid, but i couldn't think of any other word. i think talking about it helped because i discussed it with my two best friends and then i called sam and my faith was renewed. born again lover. can you believe i even went so insane as to consider breaking up with him? what a fucking nutcase.

"Pizza for Prince Philip the III" "Thanks, Phil!"

i just got out of the shower (yes i have clothes on charlotte) and i had been thinking about whether i still loved him or not. you know who i am talking about so don't ask. not that you can. unless you want to ask yourself. and that won't get you anywhere. or maybe it will. i don't know. and i don't know if i still love him either. i think i do, it's just not as obvious. he isn't all i think about anymore. kinda far from it actually. i thought i was over this. i used to go through this same thing with every guy i was with, and i thought he would be different. guess not. he is a little bit, but not that much. i don't really even miss him that much anymore. maybe it's because i'm used to him not being around. that could be it. i'll be optimistic. even if i am lying to myself in the process. it's kind of ironic because at first i didn't want to fall in love, and now i don't want to fall out.

do i still love him?

i'm doing fine (so leave me alone so leave me alone so leave me alone) i'm doing fine (so leave me alone so leave me alone leave me alone)

why is everything so confusing? why did i meet benjamin? (i mean aside from the fact that we were following him and eric around) really, i mean he's a great guy, but if i had never met him i would still be happy with sam. i am happy with samuel, but i can feel the distance now more than ever. it hurts so much. i love him but this is really hard for me to do. i don't know how much longer i will be able to take it.

SCREAMING

i will die screaming!!!!!!!

in counseling group today we had to make a timeline that had all the good stuff and all the bad stuff that happened in our lives. it went up for the good and down for the bad. makes sense. well anyway, i had this huge line down around eighth grade and people were like why? and i was like because of some people. yeah i know. like i could have been more vague. but i didn't want to say, well this is where i lost my best friend, this is where i had a horrible break up, this is where i had an abusive boyfriend and another and another, this is where i lost my virginity, this is where everyone hated me because i slept with my best friends cousin, this is where i was molested, this is where i swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin, this is where my parents found out i burned the word fuck into my leg, and oh, would you like me to keep going? right. tell that to people i see every day. i don't think so.

hi there. i am confused as hell. i really have no idea wha the fuck i am doing why i am doing it or whatever else. i almost wish i was like all those sweet little preppy people because everything works for them. but then again i wouldn't be able to be a cynical bitch. and that's no fun.

i just got off of the phone with my boyfriend. i will see him on friday (in five days) and the timer on my phone said that we had been talking for five minutes fifty-five seconds. five is the worst number in the world and friday is the worst day. he is leaving for work right now. he isn’t supposed to work today. i’m worried about him. why so many fives? why did i even look at the timer and see them? bad luck. bad, bad luck. i love you sam. i love you. i hope you’re okay.

what do i do? "i'm just a kid" so what the hell do they expect from me? help!!!!!!!!!!

i can't get benjamin out of my head. he came over today and it was so much fun. this is horrible. he is so perfect. i have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. aarghhh!!!!!!!!!!! why does this have to happen now? why? i don't understand. i will see sam next weekend. everything will be fine. i will be okay. things will get back to normal. aw, fuck it; no it won't.

i love you charlotte! don't ever forget that. i know i do stupid shit, but i love you!

praise the lord! my colors are beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay one more thing

i'm working on it

so help me

there now, my font is better, the rest of my page is fucked, but at least it's readable.

fuckfuckfuck, fuckfuckfuck, fuckfuckfuck, fuckfuck, fuckfuckfuck, fuckfuckfuckfuck, fuckfuckfuckfuck, fuckfuck
(to the tune of "jingle bells")

hi ho the dairio the farmer in the dell
FUCK

note to self: FIX YOUR STUPID FONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm listening to sheryl crow. can you tell? home and oh marie are about me. it's frighteningly true. "i woke up this morning and now i understand what it means to give your life to just one man. afraid of feeling nothing, no bees or butterflies, my head is full of voices and my house is full of lies. this is home."

Ordinary Morning
I left a man
Asleep in the nude
My name is my pocket
With lipstick and rouge
Everything I ever wanted,
What a lovely pie you baked,
Is anybody listening
Don't the painted birds ever fly away

It's just an ordinary morning
It's just an ordinary day
And I'm just an ordinary woman
Slipping away

The walls have been talking
About me again
I'm good for a joke, but when I awoke
The dream didn't end
Now everytime I turn around
I'm only sleeping, John, is anybody out there?
Don't the wounded birds still sing?

It's just an ordinary morning
It's just an ordinary day
And I'm just an ordinary woman
Slipping away

The Book
I read your book
And I find it strange
That I know that girl and I know her world
A little too well
And I didn't know
By giving my hand
That I would be written down, sliced around,
Passed down
Among strangers hands

Three days in Rome
Where do we go
I'll always remember
Three days in Rome

Never again
Would I see your face
You carry a pen and a paper
and no time and words you waste
You're a voyeur
The worst kind of thief
To take what happened
To write down everything that went on
Between you and me

Three days in Rome
And I stand alone
I'll always remember
Three days in Rome

Superstar
Let's all go downtown
I got friends doing nothing but hanging around...well
I feel like there's something I could be missing
You know you look alright
You got cheap shoes, a Malibu, and big public fights
Well, there's no one else I would rather be kissing

Baby when you start to bleed, you look so sweet
Everybody's watching you cause everybody wants to be
Little superstar, well baby that's what you are
Little superstar, oh honey that's what you are

I got a backstage line
I call you up, been watching you for quite some time
I beat around the streets like
Bandidi looking for Camilla
I'll be satin and speed
IF you and I are still alive
We'll get off these streets
Well, there was a time I would have
Hung around just to be seen
Hey man, it's a shame when you start to fade
Diamond rings and sparkly things
Won't make your shine stay

My little superstar, oh baby that's what you are
My little superstar, oh honey you break my heart
My little superstar, oh honey you know you are
My little superstar, oh honey you break my heart

Oh Marie
Here she comes, she's all dressed up in daises
Half the time, you'd swear that she is crazy
Flowered drinks and low-cut dress
That's the way I know her best
She says she's lonely, how could she be?
Every night she's got company

Oh Marie,
I sure hope you're happy
Oh Marie,
What about me, Marie

She likes the way she looks in her Camaro
She likes lingerie but he prefers the sombrero
She's so famous on the block
She stumbles home around four o'clock
She claims the guys are hard to please
She wears teen perfume behind her knees

Oh Marie,
I sure hope you're happy
Oh Marie,
What about me, Marie

All day long she fills me up with dogma
She's all magazines and Benzedrine and vodka
There was one man she truly loved
He took everything but her bear-skin rug
And now and then it's clear to me
That need is love and love is need

Oh Marie,
I sure hope you're happy
Oh Marie,
What about me, Marie

Always an open door
What are you looking for

Love is a Good Thing
Watch out sister, watch out brother,
Watch our children while they kill each other
With a gun they bought at Walmart discount stores
Welcome to the hallway, metal detectors just been installed
Hey isn't cops and robbers gettin' to be a big bore
Mary, Mary quite contrary, close the door now,
It's much too scary
And your might see something you wish you hadn't seen
Out of sight, out of time, out of patience,
And I'm out of my mind
Governor, tell me what does it mean
Dance children, dance to the beat
Wanna be a hippy cause life is so sweet
Good morning hate
Dance children, dance to the beat
Wanna rock and roll up and down the street,
I've got a message

Love is a good thing
Love is a good, love is a good,
Love is a good thing

Politicians on a mission,
Build them up, bring them down
For the good of the system
Well we don't like the way you live your life
I got one thing I must express
We try our criminals in the press
Justice is a fading light
Mary, Mary quite contrary, close the door now
It's much too scary
And you might see something you wish you hadn't seen
Out of sight, out of time, out of patience,
And I'm out of my mind
Governor, tell me what does it mean
Dance children, dance to the beat
Wanna be a hippy cause life is so sweet
Good morning hate
Dance children, dance to the beat
Wanna rock and roll up and down the street
I've got a message

Love is a good thing
Love is a good, love is a good,
Love is a good thing

Everyday is a Winding Road
I hitched a ride with a vending machine repair man
He says he's been down this road more than twice
He was high on intellectualism
I've never been there but the brochure looks nice
Jump in, let's go
Lay back, enjoy the show
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low,
These are the days when anything goes

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

He's got a daughter he calls Easter
She was born on a Tuesday night
I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone
Why I'm a stranger in my own life
Jump in, let's go
Lay back, enjoy the show
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low
These are the days when anything goes

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

I've been living in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the thing I've seen
Were ever real, were ever really happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Hard to Make a Stand
Old James Dean Monroe
Hands out flowers at the Shop-N-Go
Hopes for money but all he gets is fear
And the wind blows up his coat
And this he scribbles on a perfume note
"If I'm not here, then you're not here"
And he says, "Call me Miscreation,
I'm a walking celebration"

And it's hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand

My friend, o lawdy,
Went to take care of her own body,
And she got shot down in the road
She looked up before she went,
Said, "This isn't really what I meant"
And the daily news said, "Two with one stone"
And I say, "Hey there, Miscreation,
Bring a flower, time is wasting"

And it's hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand

We got loud guitars and big suspicions,
Great big guns and small ambitions,
And we still argue over who is God
And I say, "Hey there Miscreation,
We all need a revelation"

And it's hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand
Hard to make a stand

Redemption Day
I've wept for those who suffer long
But how I weep for those who've gone
Into rooms of grief and questioned wrong
But keep on killing
It's in the soul to feel such things
But weak to watch without speaking
Oh what mercy sadness brings
If God be willing

There is a train that's heading straight
To heaven's gate, to heaven's gate
And on the way, child and man,
And woman wait, watch and wait
For redemption day

Fire rages in the streets
And swallows everything it meets
It's just an image often seen
On television
Come leaders, come you men of great
Let us hear you pontificate
Your many virtues laid to waste
And we aren't listening

What do you have for us today
Throw us a bone but save the plate
On why we waited til so late
Was there no oil to excavate
No riches in trade for the fate
Of every person who died in hate
Throw us a bone, you men of great

There is a train that's heading straight
To heaven's gate, to heaven's gate
And on the way, child and man,
And woman wait, watch and wait
For redemption day

It's buried in the countryside
It's exploding in the shells at night
It's everywhere a baby cries
Freedom

If It Makes You Happy
I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitoes,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

Sweet Rosalyn
Slappin' leather was devised
During a wild streak in her life
She has a cheap apartment
Up on Royal Street
She brought home just enough
To keep her on her feet
She don't believe in anything
But it you ask her, she'll say
There's plenty of things to believe in

Sweet Rosalyn
Sometimes you gotta give in
Sweet Rosalyn
Sometimes you gotta give in
Sometimes you gotta be loved

She got a number off the bathroom wall
She was looking for a good time
So she made the call
Got a strangely calm voice on the other line
Sneaky little priest trying to reach out to the swine
He said, "Hello my name is Father Tim
Seems to me your zeal for this life
Has been wearing a little thin"

Sweet Rosalyn
Sometimes you gotta give in
Sweet Rosalyn
Sometimes you gotta give in
Sometimes you gotta be loved

Well, maybe we all could use a little grace
To know when to run and when to
Stay in one place

Sweet Rosalyn
Sometimes you gotta give in
Sweet Rosalyn
Sometimes you gotta give in
Sometimes you gotta be loved

Home
I woke up this morning
Now I understand
What it means to give your life
To just one man
Afraid of feeling nothing
No bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices
And my house is full of lies

This is home, home
And this is home, home
This is home

I found your standing there
When I was seventeen
Now I'm thirty-two
And I can't remember what I'd seen in you
I made a promise
Said it everyday
Now I'm reading romance novels
And I'm dreaming of yesterday

This is home, home
And this is home, home
This is home

I'd like to see the Riviera
And slowdance underneath the stars
I'd like to watch the sun come up
In a stranger's arms

This is home, home
And this is home, home
This is home

I'm going crazy
A little at a time
And everything I wanted
IS now driving me away
I woke this morning
To the sound of beating hearts
Mine is full of questions
And it's tearing yours apart...

A Change (Would Do You Good)
Ten years living in a paperbag
Feedback baby, he's a flipped out cat
He's a platinum canary, drinkin' falstaff beer
Mercedes rule, and a rented lear
Bottom feeder insincere
Prophet lo-fi pioneer
Sell the house and go to school
Get a young girlfriend, daddy's jewel

A change would do you good
A change would do you good

God's little gift is on the rag
Poster girl posing in a fashion mag
Canine, feline, Jekyll and Hyde
Wear your fake fur on the inside
Queen of south beach, aging blues
Dinner's at six, wear your cement shoes
I thought you were singing your heart out to me
Your lips were syncing and now I see

A change would do you good
A change would do you good

Chasing dragons with plastic swords
Jack off Jimmy, everybody wants more
Scully and angel on the kitchen floor
And I'm calling Buddy on the ouija board
I've been thinking 'bout catching a train
Leave my phone machine by the radar range
Hello it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone

A change would do you good
A change would do you good
Hello, it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone

A change would do you good
A change would do you good

Maybe Angels
Six-lane highway running up to my back door
But it won't take me where I want to be
I took the I-95 down to Pensacola
All I found was a bunch of holyrollers
The don't know nothing 'bout saving me

[Chorus]
I swear they're out there,
I swear, I swear they're out there,
I swear, I swear they're out there,
I swear, maybe angels, maybe angels

Down here I feel like a citizen of nowhere
My bag's all packed in case they ever come for me
Got a hundred stories and tabloid lies
Got witnesses to what the goverment denies
So I'm headed down to Roswell to wait and see

[Chorus]

Oh what a mystery
Oh, I believe, I believe, I could leave

My sister, she says she knows Elvis
She knows Jesus, John Lennon, and Cobain personally
Well, but I'm too wise to believe my eyes
Cause all I've seen just terrifies me
But I believe they're coming back for me

[Chorus]

you have any information regarding this case please contact:
Gilmer Police Department: 1-903-843-5547 or Federal Bureau of Investigation



Name: Kelly Dae Wilson
Classification: Endangered Missing
Missing: 01/05/92
From: Gilmer, TX
Sex/Race: Female/White
DOB: 05/18/74
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Blonde
Height: 5' 7"
Weight: 120 lbs
Identifying Marks: Wears soft contact lenses.
Last Seen Wearing: Dark rugby shirt, stonewashed jean cutoff shorts and loafers.
Circumstances: Kelly was last seen at approximately 8:30pm leaving her work place to go to the bank. Her car was found at her place of employment with a flat tire. Her belongings were inside and the keys were missing



they don't happen to mention that the tires were slashed. and they thought her mom killed her for a while. and then there was this story about some satanic cult that molsested children, sacrificed babies to satan and was cannibalistic. for a while people thought they abducted, raped, stabbed to death, decappitated, froze her head, barbecued the rest of her body, and ate her. i watched a news story on it on nbc. a nice morbid thing to see right before you go to bed.

i love my parents. who else can i rely on to keep a healthy supply of alcohol in the house?

cuts on my thumb, pinky, palm and arm. showed them to charlotte today. she got mad at me. completely understandable. i had been telling her not to do that for a long time. i hadn't since early december, but it had been like a drug then. it is hard to stop when you're addicted to something and i just got so down. it was the only thing i wanted. it used to assure me that i was still alive. you know, the pain would bring me back. but now i don't feel anything. it's scary. i don't know what to do. i wish i hadn't done it.

oh god i am so confused. i hate this. you know how i play with the dice and shit, well it just can't go on anymore. i can't take it. i feel so guilty about it. not that i'm cheating on my boyfriend or anything. it just feels like it. and this other guy walked me home the other day no big deal. but still. and i had been telling my friend that if i ever break up with my boyfriend it will be because he meets someone and then that night i go and meet someone. what the fuck?! and then yesterday while i was supposed to be in church i went out with him. benjamin. maybe i can associate him with that damn "benjamin" feeling and i will stop thinking about him. i didn't do anything. he would get closer and i'd step away, he put his arm around me a couple of times. briefly. very corny. i feel so horrible. i think about benjamin more than sam. i don't really like benjamin that much. sure he's cute and all. it must be because he's new to me. i love sam so much though. i called him last night to tell him and then started crying when i hung up because i miss him so much. fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one chance to show your face. this one shot all you get. pass by your one good thing. lift your head back shoot and chase. never hear you laugh like that, so full. not since you were nine. learn your restricted ropes. paint a cross on your left hand. one good thing signed away and with it your only hope. attention focused on today. so quiet slip behind my back. unsettled, severing always severing old ties. one last good-bye may last the rest of your life. one way trip can work both ways and loose ends kept untied make better friends. the things you buy may someday leave you. can you say full ride? i can still see you around.

maybe we can even write her epitaph in the stars

i just got off of the phone with charlotte and we had been thinking of band names. (after arguing over which girl had the nicest butt in our school.) the way we came up with names is i thought of a word and she thought of a word and then we put them together and occasionally we would add the to make it sound deep and meaning ful. here they are: russ corkins, the ceramic meadowlarks, the memorial sparks, the executive keychains, glittery questions, the taxi trails, the reheatable fools, fast cereal, the pilot's love (i think it should be "a pilot's love"), and marching happy faces. my favorites are russ corkins, the ceramic meadowlarks, the executive keychains, and the reheatable fools. fools is my absolute favorite. yeah okay i guess it's kinda odd.

hey is went to a concert last night. it was pretty cool. charlotte and i started the first mosh pit, which is kinda funny since she's only five feet tall. my arms are so covered in bruises. so are my boobs. it's rather unpleasant, but it was fun. after the concert this guy was like "yeah i saw you in there and i didn't wantto hurt you guys so i just stepped aside". and charlotte said she didn't like to hurt people either. like she could. yeah it was fun, but i gotta go. bbye.

WORLD'S ON HEROIN
the world's on heroin i'm on strike against all this laziness i try to go for all despite all the underachievers from the government to the drive thru guy delayed results with no reasons why my only guess they must be high i want to put an end to all of them but i don't know where to begin cause i'm pretty sure the world's on heroin the world's on heroin everybody is standing in my way i try to use my brain but stupidity is thrown in my face i'm a coffee guy in a stoner place and the world keeps turning at a turtle's pace get it over with check into n.a. i want to put an end to all of them but i don't know where to begin cause i'm pretty sure the world's on heroin if i had my way i'd prefer if everyone was on speed i'm so sick of the no can do and the failures you concede at any rate from the looks of things everyone's nodding out but me the world's on heroin too many lazy morons in my face the world's on heroin everybody acts like a zombie i'm not saying that i'm better than them i don't have the kind of time to spend with slacker types trying to be my friend i want to put an end to all of them but i don't know where to begin cause i'm pretty sure the world's on heroin yeah i'm pretty sure the world's on heroin heroin

HOPELESS ROMANTIC
i don't know what other people see or what they think is love but i know know what it means to me i fall in love so easily and it's hard to let your guard down something you never wanted to but i gave you my heart and if you turned away i guess i'd be screwed, but... i'm a hopeless romantic you're just hopeless beer and wine does me fine but it doesn't always do when i get back up and dust off i always come back to you. i'm my own man with my own plan i can't do the things you want me to i'm kinda lazy and i kinda stink but i'll clean myself up for you

WARREN'S SONG PART 6
i sat there on a stool next to ______ by myself like any other day when someone stood in front of me he looked at me with his pale brown eyes and started to talk with me and laugh with me and stand around me he said he could not understand why i've been treated the way i always have and, we became the best of friends i waited all my life to meet someone who would talk with me and laugh with me and stand around me i thought we would be friends 'til the end of time i thought we would be friends 'til the end of time every time i saw his face it took me to a better place i've gone somewhere i've never been the feeling of having a friend monday morning, i came back to school thinking that everything was fine then, i saw the empty desk then, i was told that i had lost the only person who would talk to me and laugh with me and stand around me i thought we would be friends 'til the end of time i thought we would be friends 'til the end of time every time i saw his face it took me to a better place i've gone somewhere i've never been the feeling of losing a friend

SID VICIOUS WAS INNOCENT
sid shot dope and then got drunk he did it his way "punk" he didn't have a problem till he met that bloody cunt sid vicious was innocent they say he killed her it can't be so the fucking queen should know heroin and anarchy ah ah ahah.......... innocent it's not his fault that she dies he liked his chick fried now his face is on my shirt we won't forget that famous smirk innocent

I WANNA BE SEDATED
twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go i wanna be sedated nothing to do nowhere to go i wanna be sedated just get me to the airport and put me in a plane hurry hurry hurry before i go insane i can't control my fingers i can't control my brain oh no oh ho just put me in a wheelchair and get me to the show hurry hurry hurry before i go loco i can't control my fingers i can't control my toes oh no oh ho

LOVE
i don't wanna call you and take you to the show i don't wanna go on dates with you and write you sappy notes cause i don't need the hassles i don't need the headaches too and i don't wanna be in love with you i don't wanna take you for walks on the beach i don't want you hanging on me like a leech cause i know what you're trying, i know what you're trying to do and i don't wanna be in love with you love is a waste of my time don't waste my time cause i've got better things to do to you love is just games and googly eyeed teen romance that's why i don't wanna be in love with you i don't wanna think about you everyday i don't wanna shower and put on aftershave cause love is for assholes yeah love is for assholes it's true and i don't wanna be in love with you

CLAIRE MONET
claire monet i heard someone say it's been so long since the last time i heard her name i learned a lot from her yeah she was singular the one day she got married that's the last we saw of her i can't remember her face at all and i don't know why but claire monet i miss you claire monet went away i don't know how she could give up that lovely name she was so slick and i fell sick when i think about her playing house and raising kids i'd rather think of her the way she was maybe that's why claire monet i miss you the funny part of it all is i didn't know her at all claire monet had lots to say and i just can't imagine her all old and gray she didn't need a man maybe it was her plan but if she couldn't go on being claire monet who can? i get the feeling she just withered away maybe that's why claire monet i miss you

LET ME GO
ok check this out it aint impossible, it aint easy opportunity shifting here so far the strategy aint working the facts are in it's so very clear i do what i want i can't predict the future and those who can i know that they are lying i know the truth can be hard to swallow a soap opera world leaders are crying correction i need no direction oh let me go just one last time i spend my whole life searching for direction oh let me go just one last time you can burn a book if you don't like the answers or join forces with an axl grind usa protecting your cancers a list if hatred is easy to find well there's a growing sentiment in america if you listen closely you can hear them all right is right wrong is wrong and evil consider it bad behavior correction i need no direction oh let me go just one last time i spend my whole life searching for direction oh let me go just one last time bad generation polarize view no one leaves home to go and help you watch cnn and then you know us bombs come down, what you gonna do boom boom boom look around there's no more roof no more house, no street, no town, shot down burnt black and brown electrical meltdown you'll hear the sound of the u.s. bomb all around ah it's a shake down it's a break down atomic shutdown and then you know!!!!!! correction i need no direction oh let me go just one last time i spend my whole life searching for direction oh let me go just one last time correction i need no direction oh let me go just one last time i spend my whole life searching for direction oh let me go just one last time one last time....

See Spot run 'cause he pissed in the hallway. Run spot sun, run away from it all.

today is going extremely well. not only do i have so many assignments in spanish to make up because i didn't bother to do them bfore that my day is completely shot, but i also have paper i have to present for history class tomorrow and guess what. someone deleted it. isn't that great. my paper is completely gone and i spent a lot of time on that. i cannot believe it. i am so pissed off. i have to type up a whole new fucking paper today so now i really can't do anything. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK YOU! FUCK ME!!! oh help.

fucking pussy

i need something. i don't know what. my life is missing something in it and i can never seem to find it. i always feel so empty, it's weird. i didn't feel like this until i started getting involved with guys. but that doesn't make sense because that addded something. i don't know. but i changed a lot when i started fooling around too. i got into self destruction and started drinking and did drugs occasionally. then i got really depressed and no matter what i do i can't lift that cloud. it really sucks. nothing helps. medication helped for a while and then it stopped. "the prozac doesn't do it for me anymore" (everclear)

16 books on magic spells stacked beneath the cloak of elves/16 books on magic spells so elegantly bound

"get out of this house i don't want to see you anymore. you always want to spend time with your friends, well now you can. leave." that is what my mother said to me this morning and i tearfully took a bus to see my friends and try to enjoy myself after my mother basically saying she hates me. then while i was out she called and wanted to know when i was coming home and got really mad when i said i didn't know and she was wondering why i left. why the FUCK did she think i left?

I'M JUST GAGGING ON ONLY ALRIGHT

i feel so horrible right now. my eyes are stinging so badly. i really need to cry but i just can't. i hate that. it's been happening more frequently wheni just want to break down and cry i can't. crying makes me feel so much better. why can't i let myself cry? here. this song describes and explains me pretty well i think. i'll most likely have several more songs on here, seeing as how music is my life.


Come Out Swinging

You brace and hold it all inside
It's more than you can stand
No one around even tries
Tries to understand
Don't turn away, don't turn away
Come out swinging
Come out alone
They're in your way
But as long as you're swinging
Strong then you'll get by
Your pacing's wearing out a line
Right beside your bed
The scene replays a million times
Stuck inside your head
And though you stand in place
Your mind escapes
Read between the lies
Smile's on your face
You fake like you're ok
Don't turn away, don't turn away
Come out swinging
Out on your own
They're in your way
You may be stinging
But you'll get by
Don't turn away, don't turn away
Come out swinging
Never alone again
The pain inside can guide your way
Midnight, no sleep
Inside, you scream to
No one, hears you fall
Daylight, prove me today
One more try
Don't turn away, don't turn
Come out swinging
Come out alone
They're in your way
You may be stinging
But you'll get by
Don't turn away, don't turn away
Come out swinging
Never alone again
Pain inside
Leads you through so you'll get by

How to Find Jesus



Finding Jesus can be critically important in an emergency. The key is knowing where to look.

1: Don't panic Many people, after realizing they have lost Jesus, become panicky. This can be very dangerous. Instead, take a few deep breaths, relax, and think: where was the last place you had Jesus? Go there.

2: Look around Be thorough. Did you look behind the couch? He might be there. Don't just glance around the room, either. Lift things up. He might be in the clothing hamper, for instance. Check there. He's probably right where you left Him.

3: Ask around If you still cannot find Jesus, talk to others. Do not ask them "have you found Jesus?" For one thing, they may have never misplaced him in the first place, so your question might be construed as awkward. Also, you might not want to admit you've lost Him, as this is a reasonably irresponsible thing to do. Instead, ask if they've seen Him recently, and if so, where. Here is a list of people who might know where Jesus is:

--Professional athletes. They are finding Jesus on a daily basis, because He is a big sports fan.

--Clergymen. Priests, monks, pastors, rectors, elders, and chaplains are all good people to talk to about this. You may find that many of them haven't seen Jesus in a long time, but they are usually pretty good at finding Him in a pinch.

--The Pope. The upside is that not only does he know where to find Jesus, he probably had lunch with Him yesterday. The downside is that the Pope's schedule is usually very full.

4: Bounty hunters If you are still unable to find Jesus, you may want to consider this option, although it is somewhat extreme and not likely to work. Bounty hunters are people who will find Jesus for you, but you have to pay them. They usually dress in white clothing for some reason, many are from the South, and all of them spend a lot of time on television announcing their desire to help you find Jesus, provided you send them cash. Dealing with a bounty hunter is a lot like speaking to a used car salesman. If you ask "how much will it cost to find Jesus?" they may quote a price, but that is not the final price, and next week they are charging you double. If you are not careful, before long you will have sent them all of your money, and they still have not found Jesus for you. Then they will claim that this is your fault. The truth is, they either don't know where to find Jesus, or they mistook someone else for Him.



Things to know

-Once you have found Jesus, keep an eye on him. He may wander off again.

-In the event that you never find Jesus, consider the possibility that He does not want you to find Him.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A SERIAL KILLER



1: He's a nice guy you would never suspect of doing such a thing Serial killers are always described by neighbors as being "such a nice guy" and "very quiet, not the sort of person you would expect to do so something like this." Had these neighbors known this is exactly what they should be looking for, many lives would have been saved.

2: He's a white male living alone Despite many NAACP and Civil Liberties Union protests, 99% of serial killer jobs in the United States are filled by white males with poor social skills. Several court orders have done little to curb this disgraceful hiring practice.

3: Late night gardening It is highly uncommon for people to tend their garden in the middle of the night. In the event that you observe your neighbor digging in the back yard well after sunset, take this under consideration, especially if he does not actually maintain a garden, i.e., there don't appear to be any flowers or food products being tended. Likewise, if he's digging in the winter, this is bad.

4: Garbage day Keep an eye out for large trash bags in the shape of human beings. This is fairly unusual.

5: Missing people You must be especially observant of your neighborhood. Take note of sudden absences. Check your milk cartons regularly to confirm that you do not know any of the people on them. And if you have a different mailman every week, this is a very bad sign.

6: Listen carefully High-pitched shrieks are reasonably uncommon, even in today's cities. If you hear loud human-like shouts coming from your neighbor's home, take note. If the shrieking suddenly stops, take note of this as well. Exception: if your neighbor has a baby, don't worry; this is a normal sound.

7: Strike up a conversation Sometimes the direct approach is the best. Here are some talking points to consider.

--"So, what do you do for a living?" (If his response is either "I kill people" or "I work for the Postal Service," run. If he says "I'm an IRS agent," run from this as well, but for a different reason entirely.)
--"I'm thinking of buying an industrial-sized freezer. Do you recommend any particular brand?"
--"What is your favorite song off of the Beatles' White Album?"
--"I love dogs. Sometimes it seems like they can almost talk."
--"So what made you decide to shave half your head like that?"
--"Have you ever wondered what people taste like?"
--"Your lawn looks great! What sort of fertilizer do you use?"
--"Hey, cool van. How come you blacked out all the windows?"
--"Can I borrow a band saw?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What to do

If you have determined that your neighbor is a serial killer, you are in a tremendous amount of trouble, because after all those questions he probably realizes you're on to him. You could call the police, but there is a good chance they won't believe you, so you're probably better off just moving immediately. No, I mean now. Forget your stuff. Really, get the hell out.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey hey, boo boo!!! yeah, okay. i had more random shit that doesn't make sense to put down. "you can be any way that you wanna be, how i'll be, that's up to